Being John Malkovich

Bomb Rating: 

Ask me which movie star's brain would be my first choice to spend time in, and John Malkovich would not be my first answer. In fact, it's not in the top 500. Hell, I'd spend time in Anna Nicole Smith before I'd spend time in John Malkovich. At least I could play with my fake breasts during that excruciatingly long time between lucid thoughts.

This is a film from Spike Jonze, who's probably best known at this moment as the fourth king in "Three Kings" and the receiver of the inevitable visit from Death during that film. I don't know what sort of guy casts Cameron Diaz to play the role of a homely pet store clerk, but he's obviously not comfortable with glamour. Either that, or he just doesn't bathe much. John Cusack, who plays Diaz's husband and the failed puppeteer who finds the portal into Malkovich, is also severely deglamourized. He's looks like a street bum.

Craig Schwartz (Cusack) finds the portal in an office where he works -- on the 7-and-1/2th floor of the Mertin-Flemmer building in Manhattan. This probably seems funny to people who don't think too hard, but if there's a 7 1/2th floor, what exactly do floors 7 and 8 look like? Don't they have to be half floors too? Or are all the floors a little shorter to accommodate the 7 1/2th floor?

If you're interested in the cult of celebrity, then you might be interested in this movie. However, if you actually have a life and think celebrities are mostly pathetic egocentrics whose demand for attention is really just a ploy to cover up their massive insecurities, "Being John Malkovich" will seem like the insane ravings of somebody who wouldn't know important if it scurried up to him and jammed a pipe cleaner into his urethra.

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