Warning: Spoilers

"Beowulf" is a movie loosely based on the Old English poem of the same name - very loosely based. The movie's only resemblance to the poem is its use of the same character names. That's like calling cow pies chocolate mousse and expecting people to gobble it down like it's the same thing. "Beowulf" starts off with a fat, bloated King Hrothgar (Anthony "Fava Beans" Hopkins) who is plagued by a spoil sport monster named Grendel. Grendel is always shutting down the King's parties by ripping body parts off the guests and sometimes eating them. Why, might you ask? Because Grendel doesn't like the sound of people having fun. Not since Mrs. Kravitz has there been a more annoying neighbor. Whatever happened to just asking for quiet hours after 10PM? Searching for fame and glory, Beowulf (Ray "The Departed" Winstone) kindly offers to take care of Hrothgar's annoying problem.

The movie has hump back freaks, adultery, nudity, drinking, debauchery - all the values that make up this great nation; so why didn't I like it more? Hmmm. Maybe because I have functioning cognitive skills? As one famous person once said - "It's the Story, Stupid!" "Beowulf" was as provocative and original as Joan Rivers's face is natural and alluring. Stevie Wonder on a foggy day through broken glasses in a snow blizzard could see the predictable ending.

Speaking of seeing, the movie's greatly hailed 3D wasn't that impressive either from a fashion sense or otherwise. The movie theatre issued thick-rimmed 3D glasses that made me look like Drew Carey. Unlike "The Price is Right", I wouldn't call this movie going experience a "prize." "The sword looks like it's coming right at me!" Big whoop. I was more impressed with the results of pulling my grandpa's finger. The motion capture format was disturbing too. Something seems inherently wrong with having a fat actor like Ray Winstone (remember Mr. French from "The Departed"?) being portrayed on screen as this 6 feet + tall, 6 pack carrying, hunk of a man. I imagine it's like wanking off to an image of Pam Anderson only to realize in the middle of it that she's really your obese, cat-loving Aunt Sally.

Plus some elements didn't make sense. Have you ever seen a medieval monster wearing high heels? Grendel's mother (Angelina Jolie) does. Makes you wonder if she carries flats or flip flops for casual killings. And when "you know who" sleeps with this monster, did he get some kind of weird STD from that? Bet it would take more than a couple of shots of penicillin to heal that burning sensation!

Not that I'm a feminist or anything, but what's up with them making Jolie's monster into this seductive mother/whore/goddess who leads men astray? So Eve got Adam to eat the apple and yadda, yadda, yadda, destiny of the world is changed forever. Get over it! Must women continue to be vilified and punished in films for this one little minor act??

And what a colossal waste of John Malkovich's talent. His sleazy character, Unferth, showed much promise at the beginning of the film but ended up not really doing much. In one scene he gives our hero a gift after apologizing for doubting Beowulf. I kept waiting for the pay off. By the end of the movie I was just waiting for someone to surgically remove the finger that was down my throat.

Was the movie a total waste? Of course not! At least I'll be able to check off one gift item on my Christmas List - 3D glasses for my mother-in-law.

--meemee2000