Better Than Chocolate

Bomb Rating: 

I don't know what the filmmakers behind this marketing fiasco were wasting their time doing, but it certainly relegated this film to the bowels of art house theaters. This is not to imply that it's any good, but if the filmmakers had thought about it for even a second, they would have designed their film poster and trailers with but two words, in big block letters: NAKED LESBIANS.

Face it, those two words would draw every monster truck and Jerry Springer-watching imbecile in America into the theater for this film, cheering wildly like Arsenio Hall after a Milky Way-eating contest. Maggie (Karyn Dwyer) meets the woman of her dreams in artist Kim (Christina Cox), and muff-diving, rug-munching mania ensues. This all happens just before Maggie's neurotic mother, Lila (Wendy Crewson), shows up. Lila is one of these small-town, bassackwards naïve moms who hasn't heard of lesbianism yet and can't figure out that the hulking mass of a woman who's mysteriously befriended her, Judy (Peter Outerbridge), is actually a man nearing his sex-change operation.

Oh, and let me just thank the filmmakers, particularly director Anne Wheeler, for casting cute actresses to portray the two lead lesbians. I mean, we certainly wouldn't want to be staring at naked, fat, lumpy lesbians or lesbians with breasts that droop ever-so-slightly, because even independently-minded filmgoers cringe at the notion of being dosed with that level of reality.

"Better Than Chocolate" also wins an award for most dildoes in a movie. Apparently, lesbians decorate their homes with these things, and if you're visiting a lesbian household, the odds of you sitting down and being penetrated by one of them is extraordinarily high. This film saunters right up to the steps of love, surmising that everybody can be happy if they just find that one person. Never mind how steep those steps are, even when you're a person with all his/her sexual organs accounted for.

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