Black Swan

Bomb Rating: 

Let me tell you the inescapable truth of a movie about ballet: it is as mind-blowingly dull as the real ballet.

There was once a time when it was fresh and exciting to make a movie where the audience was never really sure if the main character was crazy or if she actually inhabited a world where supernatural shit was par for the course. Back in an era where directors and writers actually had talent – a time I like to refer to as "pre-Bay" – a solid script could nail audiences to their seats with its subtle examination of the blurred lines between fantasy and reality.

Nowadays, the only thing nailing me to my seat is the six gallons of watered-down cola that I slurp from a kiddie pool-sized cup in an effort to stay away through utter garbage like "Black Swan." Let me tell you the inescapable truth of a movie about ballet: it is as mind-blowingly dull as the real ballet. In fact, it's worse, because at least while attending an actual ballet performance you might get to witness an anorexic stick figure snap his or her shin bone while landing a jump. No, movie ballet is much more like ice dancing, ballet's retarded Northern cousin, where nothing spectacular ever happens and at the end you can't believe someone's about to win a gold medal – or an Oscar – for something with so little artistic merit.

It's 2010. Black Swans just aren't that scary. Oh no! She might be transforming into a SWAN! Say that out loud and then try to tell me you don't feel ridiculous and embarrassed for director Darren Aronofsky. His entire career has been downhill ever since he filmed the "ASS TO ASS" scene in "Requiem for a Dream," an act which single-handedly increased the sales of double-ended dildos to the point where they outpaced those of the Bible.

I will say this about "Black Swan," however - it's not the most money I've ever spent to watch two ballerinas have sex. Those 20 seconds or so of Mila Kunis munching on Natalie Portman's cooter must have been the primary draw for more than half the audience, because after I had ceased my own discrete rustlings under my stained black trench coat I noticed that the majority of the audience was gone. 

Actually, in truth I had passed out after Portman and I achieved our first mutual orgasm, and I was only roused from my post-arousal somnolence by the sticky poke of a janitor's broom. Which explained why the theatre was empty, but not why the policeman standing beside him was wearing rubber gloves and telling me to close my eyes and think of England. Good advice, as I would soon find out.

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Ice skating = ballet's retarded Northern cousin

Rajah's picture

That's GOLD!

Swan's aren't scary?

FearlessFreep's picture

Tell it to Leda.

 

Mila cooch-snogging Natalie...?

Wulfgar's picture

 

 

 

...hngggggg...!¡¡¡!!!¡

 

_______________________________

~There ain't no Devil, there's just God when He's drunk.~

 

Sorry...

Oddball's picture

but skinny chicks make me puke.

The real problem with Black Swan...

HS's picture

...is that no one gets nekkid!

Seriously, I was really hoping for some nudity in this one.

 

HS

Is this film any good, or is it too disturbing...

TMundo's picture

...D Aranof has a way of really rubbing me the wrong way.  He's a bit too analytical about doing so.  For example, the final scenes of requiem featured cut up scenes all relating to semen. There was the ass-to-ass scene that involved white lotion on a dildo that looked like jizz, there was the force feeding hospital scene that involved shoving little bits of dried up thingees into the poor old woman's mouth that resembeld dried up jizz (I think that's what the director was going for) then there was Marlon Waynes, who was mixing a large tub of what looked like jizz in prison.  And they kept cycling through all of this over and over again until I felt as though I had been butt-raped by this film.

Is Black Swan anything like that? Because I recognise the potential talent of Aronof, but his subject matter and story lines are just too depressing for me.  Didn't see enough of the wrestler and didn't see pi so I really don't know what I'm in for.  There are times when I enjoy ballet, but it has to be done a certain way.  I think with some inventive shots like Aron's I could, but too much disturbing stuff and I'll pass.  So what's the deal?

 

It's not really disturbing, Tee...

HS's picture

...but it's definitely dark and weird and - IMHO - a bit overrated.  Not depressing like Requiem for a Dream...but not exactly a happy film either, if that helps.  I didn't care for Barbara Hershey in this.  Mila Kunis was just okay.  Portman, though, is phenomenal.

Oh, and you may have read too much into Requiem - I've never heard the jizz conspiracy angle before.  :)

 

HS

oh it's jizzy alright...

TMundo's picture

...watch it again, you'll see, that's what he was shooting for, and for no real reason, which is what kinda turned me off, being discusting in an inventive way for no reason...I'm glad the swan film ain't gonna be too depressing like requiem,  My mom said black swan was awful, she said, "she grew wings for christ sake!" I though that sounded so funny I had to sneak a scene or two, it did look kinda funny and ridiculous

I just caught the end of Step Brothers the other day, seemed pretty funny, gona have to see the whole thing.  Will Farrell does well again, I think he's found his niche, it's about time.

Still can't stop watching Tron 1982, still haven't seen the sequel.
 

By the way, I paid money to see Spiceworld in the movie theater, willingly.

 

 

 

Saw the first half today

FearlessFreep's picture

Couldn't sit through it.  Competent but too grim.  It's for you if you like seeing closeups of bleeding fingernails.

Natalie Portman's character reminded me a bit of Tweak on SOUTH PARK.

 

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