Blade: Trinity

Bomb Rating: 

If anybody else got the impression watching this film that it was the casting director's first time in that job, please raise your hand.

Why is it that looking good with one's shirt off appears to be the sole qualification for being an action superhero? Ryan Reynolds definitely proves that he can hire a personal trainer and lift weights on a regular basis, but watching him act is like watching somebody smoke marijuana for the first time. Everything he says seems like it should be followed immediately with "so would you like a bong hit?"

And this isn't the only massively bad casting decision in this film. The proof of that claim lies in the fact that Jessica Biel -- as Abigail, daughter of Kris Kristofferson's vampire-hunting character, Abraham -- is actually one of the decent casting moves. Compare that with the decision to cast Parker Posey as Danica Talos, the leader of the vampire clan that unearths the original Dracula in an effort to finally defeat Blade (Wesley Snipes). I know that when I think of menacing evil I always think of Parker Posey. I mean, really. How long could any of us sit around a table pondering, silently, the wisdom behind the decision to cast Parker Posey as the leader of a vampire clan? Forever? Then there's Natasha Lyonne as a blind computer wizard. I don't know about you, but I can't even quite wrap my mind around the number of words that don't go together in the sentence "then there's Natasha Lyonne as a blind computer wizard."

This movie is pretty much an indication that writer/director David S. Goyer has either given up on the "Blade" franchise or is trying to turn it into a permanent feature skit on "Saturday Night Live." You know how most action/horror films have one or two funny lines? Like in "The Terminator" where Arnold says "I'll be back" or "Take off your clothes?" Imagine if "The Terminator" was just one big string of those one-liners and you pretty much get a sense of what "Blade: Trinity" is like. And oh, by the way, that's not a good thing.

And since I don't understand it, could somebody explain to me what exactly is going on with Hannibal King (Reynolds) and Abigail in terms of their special powers? Do they have special powers? Hannibal says he used to be a vampire, but as far as I could tell, neither one of them was immortal. I think that means when a bad guy kicks you in the groin as hard as he can about a dozen times, you don't get up. Ever.

You'll need special powers yourself to survive this cinematic monstrosity.

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