Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows

Bomb Rating: 

An episode of the Teletubbies has more scares than "Blair Witch 2."

I'm willing to bet anything that if you gave a camera and a million dollar budget to every single person in the United States, 99.9% of them would make a better film than "Blair Witch 2." Hell, I'm willing to bet that if you strapped an 8mm camera to the back of a nauseous cat and threw it in a small room, the resulting footage would be better than "Blair Witch 2." I would have rather seen -- and I am not at all kidding here -- director Joe Berlinger take one of those little camera probes and shove it up the ass of a fat man with bowel problems.

Lots of people hated the first "Blair Witch," but I will give it this, if nothing else: It had the element of novelty. What it didn't have was a story or any decent acting. It also had that shaking camera thing that made a lot of people sick. There's nothing like watching a movie and having some guy who's just eaten a bucket of popcorn barf all over you. There's nothing like a theater that reeks of vomit either.

With the element of novelty gone, "Blair Witch 2" has nothing. This movie is an attempt on the part of Artisan Entertainment to steal money from ticket buyers who go see this fiasco thinking it might have a good scare or two. Frankly, I would rather have had executives from Artisan come over to my house and sodomize me. At least there would have been some emotional involvement there. An episode of the Teletubbies has more scares than "Blair Witch 2." Even worse, the acting is better in the Teletubbies.

The last time a group of actors got together who were this bad was during the XXX-rated remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space." There is a moment during this film when one of the actors (I'm not even going to credit any of them) puts his hand to his mouth in what appears to be a mimic of Dr. Evil from "Austin Powers" (you know: "is it, evil?"). The only difference here is that the actor is trying to act seriously. I would have laughed if it weren't for the fact that every nerve ending in my body was screaming "Strychnine now!"

The "frightening" concept the entire film is based on is the idea that stuff on videotapes changes. The kids film everything, but later, when the videotapes are played, nothing on them is the same. Like me, you'll be asking, "What the hell kind of idea is that?" There isn't a good answer. That there's no explanation for any of it is supposed to be scary. To say it's stupid is a monumental understatement. For all the logic displayed in this film, the director could have just had the characters morph into large vegetables at the end of the film and had one of the onlookers scream: "It's the God of Produce - His Vengeance Will Doom us all!! Run for Your Lives!"

There is no moment in this film that goes beyond pure incompetence.

To spread the word about this Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows review on Twitter.