Blast from the Past

Bomb Rating: 

Notice the biblical reference? Would it be less obvious if one of the ushers made you eat a Bible?

The idea that you should begin a story at its beginning is a tautology.Unfortunately, the meanings of most four-syllable words tend to elude most Hollywood filmmakers, and consequently we're treated to painful, pointless prologue such as that which so quickly marks "Blast From the Past" as a dud.

My point is that this particular story does not really begin until Adam (Brendan Fraser) steps out of the bomb shelter he's been cooped up in for the last 35 years, i.e. his entire life. As such, wasting valuable time watching Adam's parents (Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek) root around in their underground cellar for damn near half an hour causes the kind of sensation most often associated with internal bleeding: It's painful, dull and doesn't go anywhere.

All I need to know is that Adam was born in 1964 and that his knowledge of the world consists of whatever his parents taught him. Adam emerges from his hole, and despite the fact that he has rickets from living underground like a grub for three decades, he immediately falls for Eve (Alicia Silverstone). Notice the biblical reference? Would it be less obvious if one of the ushers made you eat a Bible?

Eve needs a well-behaved man with pure intentions, and this son of a right-wing nut job is the perfect candidate. Never mind his stance on civil rights, or that his perfect woman is barefoot and pregnant. Who needs ethics when a man has good manners and can swing dance? Certainly not a '90s woman, nor a bunch of filmmakers whose only artistic ambition is good soundtrack sales.