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Blue Crush
Mr. Cranky's rating:
Here's a valuable lesson for girls everywhere: Abandoning your dreams to have sex with a football player pays handsome dividends indeed.
"Blue Crush" is essentially a porn movie, without the actual porn. The characters and story are so contrived and awkward that it's painfully clear their only purpose is to kill time until the next set of money shots of pile-driving surf off Oahu's north shore. Even once we get sprayed with various in-the-tube shots of the big waves, director John ("Crazy/Beautiful") Stockwell layers on a patina of porn-film professionalism as he plays with the camera like a first-year film student. We get posterized shots, rotating shots, and my personal favorite, wacky-fast-o-vision shots used to telegraph "humor" when needed. Anne Marie (Kate Bosworth) is driven to become a force on surfing's professional tour. Chased by such demons as an absent mom and a bump on the head sustained in an earlier surfing mishap, she trains for the big Pipeline competition while working as a maid in a local hotel with friends Eden (Michelle Rodriguez) and Lena (Sanoe Lake). First off, Kate Bosworth looks like she'd be snapped in half by a bad manicure, much less a 20-foot wave. She's so blond and emaciated that I'll bet David E. Kelley is in a bush outside her house right now. Anne Marie's training regimen is derailed when she meets the hunky pro quarterback Matt (Matthew Davis), who quickly offers Anne Marie money for sex. The money is actually supposed to be for "surfing lessons," but Matt actually passes her $1,000 in cash for "surfing lessons" and she jumps him right then and there. Before you can say "Pretty Woman," she transforms from maid to valued guest as she lounges in Matt's hotel room, taking long showers, drinking champagne and ordering room service. Here's a valuable lesson for girls everywhere: Abandoning your dreams to have sex with a football player pays handsome dividends indeed. Naturally Anne Marie gets back on the board in time for the big Pipeline competition. However, she's so hung over and sore, she slips off her board, hits her head on a rock and dies. Ok, I made that last part up, but a spoiler in a movie like "Blue Crush" is pretty much redundant.
Was it really that bad?
You tell us! Discuss "Blue Crush" in the Mr. Cranky forum below!
Post a New Message in the "Blue Crush" forum
Messages:
- This movie didnt exactly serve much of a point. yerskata
- I actually enjoyed this movie. RebeL
- Public Apology to Jessalyn Leyra Karen_G
- El-Sucko buffdommy
- Kate Bosworth Must DIE!!!! M-o-v-i-e_M-a-n-i-a-c
- This is trash Starburst666
- I'm back in Venezuela and i have a question Critico
- Goodnight, Blue Crush. Goodnight, New Jersey Ken_Kaminski
- And Slater, about Disney... Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- Has anyone seen John_Doe? Lord_Cockwheatus
- <Giggles deliriously> Eamon_J_Doyle
- Does anyone know where I can download free video playing software? Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- Michael Jackson has another baby Bob_St_Cul
- Putting money squandered by corporate crooks in real-world terms: Morrison_Hotel
- (At a loss for a title) Eamon_J_Doyle
- TCP, you posting? Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- "Blue" Lyrics Quiz! LRT
- Man, fuck Canada... Slater
- Finally, we get some cool older neighbors... Milkman_Dan
- *chomp* mmm chopped liver on a bagel, a potato knish, and a Dr. Brown's pop Good eats lovin' Theodoric
- An open letter to everyone in crankyland spite
- i hate plumbers. princess_jessica
- STUPID BIGOT CRITICS!!! Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- All right I'm off to work... Milkman_Dan
- Important Research! LRT
- USF professor DMagic
- Meanwhile, people are still dying of cancer. Throwing_Muses
- HA! Coaster Gets Mail Coaster
- This is unusual Ken_Kaminski
- I kept trying to figure out who that simone chick was X-MAN
- Just saw the HARRY POTTER movie Beast
- HASSELHOFF's newest video....oh fuck. He_Shot_Me_In_The_Botox
- http://www.hermes-press.com/etch1.htm Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- great joke WhisperS_Back
- Japanese scientists trying to bring back the wooly mammoth... Morrison_Hotel
- Did anybody see the news article WhisperS_Back
- My jokes list - ENJOY! He_Shot_Me_In_The_Botox
- Anyone who fucking dates interracially should be dragged out and shot! spite
- At last, I have discovered my long lost kinsmen.. Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- What happens to a lawyer on Viagra?!?! I am funny Sammy_Keats
- Help??? of the semi-legal computer sort?? daz
- i'm bored...so I'm sharing a conversation I had with my 15 year old cousin DMagic
- Intelligence runs in the family you see. (nt) the_celluloid_prophet
- Just a quick comment. the_celluloid_prophet
- yes DMagic
- Well, you said something different. (nt) the_celluloid_prophet
- well DMagic
- interview DMagic
- Yeah, I've read that before. the_celluloid_prophet
- yeah...well DMagic
- It's not any sort of news flash that Bush is an idiot. the_celluloid_prophet
- Ten bucks says.... the_celluloid_prophet
- Re: i'm bored...so I'm sharing a conversation I had with my 15 year old cousin X-MAN
- Sorry, D... Slater
- TCP, you know what's really funny? grundle
- grundle... Slothrop
- Is that the first time grundle has abbreviated someone's handle? Ken_Kaminski
- Ugh He_Shot_Me_In_The_Botox
- grundle Technomage
- Poor grundle. Throwing_Muses
- No matter how hard grundle tries... Wulfgar
- fuck off grundle DMagic
- Again, grundle, you display no understanding of the educational system... Milkman_Dan
- Um, yeah... the_celluloid_prophet
- Simulpost, Dan. the_celluloid_prophet
- If I were the anal sort... the_celluloid_prophet
- and Grundle DMagic
- For the record, I just want to point out... Slater
- Yeah, Grundle... Milkman_Dan
- No, she did. the_celluloid_prophet
- Teach penguins? Slater
- Speaking of teaching... the_celluloid_prophet
- TEACH THE PENGUINS! LRT
- DO NOT TEACH THE PENGUINS! Slater
- Slater's right. the_celluloid_prophet
- Wouldn't it be a "colony" of lesbian penguins? LRT
- NO the_celluloid_prophet
- I DO NOT FEAR THE PENGUINS! LRT
- BUT NOT LESBIAN PENGUINS? Slater
- well..... grundle
- One thing you're forgetting, grundle... Slater
- Grundle... Milkman_Dan
- Just mentioning... the_celluloid_prophet
- Why the FUCK hasn't anyone responded to Botox? SpaceButler
- Well, I didn't agree with him at all... the_celluloid_prophet
- Whoops, wrong thread. the_celluloid_prophet
- Why the FUCK has nobody responded to my lesbian penguins post? Slater
- God damn, Slater. SpaceButler
- Canadian politics & pot the_demon
- ModernRonin the_celluloid_prophet
- What about BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S? Milkman_Dan
- FASHION PUNK Ken_Kaminski
- ugh princess_jessica
- Lyric quiz... Milkman_Dan
- help DMagic
- One-question sex poll... Milkman_Dan
- alien abduction DMagic
- I think I'm going to cut off my back DMagic
- Blue Crush Review (no spoilers) Dan_in_Cincinnati
- Saw "Spy Kids 2" last night Drew_Atreides
- I think I'm going to kill myself MR_MUCUS
- I HAVE GONE COMPLETELY INSANE! LRT
- Why did the chicken cross the road? mangy-ranger
- Can someone please figure out this anagram for me? the_celluloid_prophet
- wildlife park to clone mammoth DMagic
- no am eat penguin bite bite bite The_Penguin
- Omega Man Ken_Kaminski
- If this was the CHRISTIAN bible, the ACLU would hold the OPPOSITE position. grundle
- Great news for those of you who oppose Nike's third world sweatshops! grundle
- Great line I found for Cranky! X-MAN
- Attention denizens of Crankyland!!! Screwtape
- Hong Kong Phooey, the movie? Morrison_Hotel
- Parents are complaining about violence in every media turning their kids... Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- I love women. LRT
- Question WhisperS_Back
- Anyone want to be a moderator for my message board? Mad-Ness_Monster
- Celebrity hotel names the_demon
- I'm so desparate to see the trailer for Sim0ne. Ken_Kaminski
- Funniest thing to be posted to FARK in the last week... Milkman_Dan
- Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown are out on DVD. Slater
- Oral sex can help you conceive DMagic
- Holy shit...Spike is fuckin' 40?!? Slater
- Groucho Marx died 25 years ago yesterday. gnosticdogma
- nicole DMagic
- yesterday's playlist Beast
- our media is stupid DMagic
- Power Bars are nasty. the_celluloid_prophet
- The Truth About Spite Coaster
- I'm bored here Critico
- Another stupid question: How do I free up memory Hellbilly
- I officially declare Crankyland dead. Uber
- Every day I become more prejudiced He_Shot_Me_In_The_Botox
- I found this joke funny Cajunman
- Do these emulator things work? Hellbilly
- Iron Chef Cannibal? Wulfgar
- unfortunately i'm not dead princess_jessica
- This new item caused my old bitter craggy face to light up with a smile :) Coaster
- One more week in Key West... TwistedTenacity
- New Picture: John Doe at Dance Revolution competition this weekend Conqueror
- Today's show Beast
- yup..everyone is dead <nt> DMagic
- Willy is free! DMagic
- I hate people DMagic
- Has anyone ever read Alan Watts? the_celluloid_prophet
- I saw "Signs" over the weekend. DMagic
- Anyone been to Mexico City? HomeSkillet
- Well guys, it's late mia_wallace
- I just watched CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN and DRIVEN Beast
- i hate surfer chicks mia_wallace
- Well I saw the girl who dumped me a year ago this weekend... Cajunman
- mia's goth site of the week mia_wallace
- tonight is my last night in crankyland mia_wallace
- i'm watching buckaroo bonzai right now mia_wallace
- my camping weekend mia_wallace
- I have a new favorite book Critico
- This song made me smile Critico
- Things I wish you could do in GTA3 GTBurns
- We worked it out... Imp
- Zimbabwe eliminates last traces of English colonialism. 0b1knob
- How can you people say a parody sucks? Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- How ironic: Niggers riot at "Black Family Reunion Celebration" Jamal
- Anyone have any ideas on how to get 400 dollars in 2 days and 6 hours? Ken_Kaminski
- I don't care if you people don't find my assassination attempts funny. Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- Why was Dmagic calling me a racist X-MAN
- Batman Beyond Unedited movie. WhisperS_Back
- Just saw Donnie Darko and we have one question Coaster
- sex is way more fun than surfing Isabella_Klepto
- HELLBILLY He_Shot_Me_In_The_Botox
- maybe... princess_jessica
- Finally got around to seeing Signs... (spoilers) Morrison_Hotel
- Psycho-Jay gets bored with Crankyland....... Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- ASSASSINATION: Nick-The-Knife Eamon_J_Doe
- Hey Pop-Up Guy! I have a message for you! Coaster
- Antidisestablishmentarianism. Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- GODFATHER III is ruined for me now... Beast
- Slightly Obscure Lyrics Quiz! En_Ron_Hubbard
- Just saw A.I. WhisperS_Back
- You know you are drunk when Gaudi is a genius Critico
- Can you get hung-over from just drinking beer? colonel_korn
- Slapping the taste out of a nigger loving bitch's mouth nigger beating spite
- I need to quick smoking Hellbilly
- Chick flicks and me. SpaceButler
- Techies: I'm having major PC issues, please help! Hellbilly
- Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream Bringdown
- Right name (placed wrong) but wrong state miss_enthropic_bitch
- ASSASINATION TARGET: JOHN DOE Conqueror
- Anyone know where I can get a "NO FAT CHICKS" T-shirt? miss_enthropic_bitch
- I shave! I erase! I cut! I replace! The_Barber_of_Love
- Questions Eamon_J_Doyle
- FAQ - John Doe/The Real Conqueror (NOT THE FAKE ONE THAT IS PARADING NOW) John_Doe
- TCP is seeing this movie because there are hot girls. John_Doe
- Question about the LOTR DVD... Hellbilly
- OK, going home now. the_celluloid_prophet
- PENGUINS DMagic
- What the fuck is up with the current rash of kidnap-rape-murders? Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh. DMagic
- Look what drugs make you do. the_celluloid_prophet
- Hmm...I think I'm single. the_celluloid_prophet
- I took THE vicodin DMagic
- See how no one is responding to you. the_celluloid_prophet
- u are an evil witch DMagic
- "Your big sister is a BAAAAAAAAD influence on you!" Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- no DMagic
- True; true. the_celluloid_prophet
- We don't like either of you. Technomage
- It wasn't all that great. the_celluloid_prophet
- Yeah, but... Technomage
- Yeah, but... the_celluloid_prophet
- well DMagic
- and DMagic
- OK, OK. Technomage
- oh DMagic
- My brother takes Adderall for ADD. the_celluloid_prophet
- Stupidity runs rampant...what a shocker!!! ralph
- Nice, Ralph. SpaceButler
- ralph Technomage
- Technomage,...interesting scenario acidxxx
- I don't like SpaceButler Ken_Kaminski
- I like Ken just fine. SpaceButler
- Actually, I'm NOT trying Ken_Kaminski
- Well, that's true of a lot of philosophies. SpaceButler
- I would explain it differently Ken_Kaminski
- But doesn't that inevitably lead to a crisis of values? SpaceButler
- What's irrational about it? Ken_Kaminski
- It becomes irrational when you are forced to make a choice. SpaceButler
- Not really Ken_Kaminski
- Well, why do you want something? SpaceButler
- That depends on what you mean by "why" Ken_Kaminski
- Do you then accept that we have no free will? SpaceButler
- Not exactly deterministic Ken_Kaminski
- Another thing I should add Ken_Kaminski
- Doesn't that render the very idea behind nihilism meaningless? SpaceButler
- It's not trying to 'render' anything. Technomage
- But you can't recognize something that doesn't exist. SpaceButler
- Thought murder. grundlestein
- Who is this grundlestein? the_celluloid_prophet
- Yeah, that's very interesting G.stein Ken_Kaminski
- Hmm... SpaceButler
- It's only impossible to prove in the sense that anything is impossible Ken_Kaminski
- Also Ken_Kaminski
- Actually, you don't have to believe in determinism to be a nihilist. SpaceButler
- Like value, I think perfection only exists in a relative sense Ken_Kaminski
- I think, therefore my head hurts. grundlestein
- I don't follow you there, G Ken_Kaminski
- Dammit, I always have to post twice Ken_Kaminski
- One more thing Ken_Kaminski
- Grundlestein has some really interesting thoughts. SpaceButler
- That isn't evidence, though Ken_Kaminski
- DAMMIT! Twice again Ken_Kaminski
- Meaning and free will. grundlestein
- I wasn't talking about meaning in linguistic terms Ken_Kaminski
- Ken, about the machine... SpaceButler
- I disagree, SB. the_celluloid_prophet
- As an added note... the_celluloid_prophet
- TCP SpaceButler
- You're equating two different meanings of the word "free" Ken_Kaminski
- By the way, I agree with TCP Ken_Kaminski
- You're right, Ken. SpaceButler
- Look at it this way Ken_Kaminski
- I think I understand where Ken is coming from... grundlestein
- Why the fuck isn't "Miller's Crossing" available on DVD yet? Slater
- ASSASINATION: PSYCHO JAY Conqueror
- This is the single coolest picture I have EVER seen. Slater
- Ebert gave this movie 3 stars. Becky_Sharp
- That's more like it... J_Smithers_Esq
- spite draugluin
- Elvis died 25 years ago today. Becky_Sharp
- Yo Crankster! Typo on the "this week" page! ModernRonin
- 65-75% Crankylanders trust Conqueror(the real one)/John Doe over newbies. John_Doe
- Too many frigging nigger lovers are here spite
- Michelle Rodriguez X-MAN
- Lyric quiz: Morrison_Hotel
- another lyrics poll, just like the other lyrics poll tickle_my_elmo
- new fron on the War Against Terror daz
- I just watched about five minutes of "The Anna Nicole Show" Nick-The-Knife
- from the Funny Mailer daz
- This new.. Conqueror is crapping my style... He's getting close to truth. John_Doe
- just got back from a pretty cool concert... princess_jessica
- Unf Unf Unf Unf Unf. John_Doe
- Phish is back! Screwtape
- See BLUE CRUSH or die!!! Blue_Crusher
- Has anyone played Madden 2003 yet? Hellbilly
- a poll of song lyrics tickle_my_elmo
- Possibly the worst piece of dialogue ever written: SpaceButler
- ALL SURFING MOVIES SUCK!!!! Hellbilly
- It's idiots like Spite that fuel my perjudice against the more hostile Pope_Psycho-Jay_1st
- I feel guilty because I want to see this. (nt) the_celluloid_prophet
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