Blue Crush

Bomb Rating: 

Here's a valuable lesson for girls everywhere: Abandoning your dreams to have sex with a football player pays handsome dividends indeed.

"Blue Crush" is essentially a porn movie, without the actual porn. The characters and story are so contrived and awkward that it's painfully clear their only purpose is to kill time until the next set of money shots of pile-driving surf off Oahu's north shore. Even once we get sprayed with various in-the-tube shots of the big waves, director John ("Crazy/Beautiful") Stockwell layers on a patina of porn-film professionalism as he plays with the camera like a first-year film student. We get posterized shots, rotating shots, and my personal favorite, wacky-fast-o-vision shots used to telegraph "humor" when needed.

Anne Marie (Kate Bosworth) is driven to become a force on surfing's professional tour. Chased by such demons as an absent mom and a bump on the head sustained in an earlier surfing mishap, she trains for the big Pipeline competition while working as a maid in a local hotel with friends Eden (Michelle Rodriguez) and Lena (Sanoe Lake). First off, Kate Bosworth looks like she'd be snapped in half by a bad manicure, much less a 20-foot wave. She's so blond and emaciated that I'll bet David E. Kelley is in a bush outside her house right now.

Anne Marie's training regimen is derailed when she meets the hunky pro quarterback Matt (Matthew Davis), who quickly offers Anne Marie money for sex. The money is actually supposed to be for "surfing lessons," but Matt actually passes her $1,000 in cash for "surfing lessons" and she jumps him right then and there. Before you can say "Pretty Woman," she transforms from maid to valued guest as she lounges in Matt's hotel room, taking long showers, drinking champagne and ordering room service. Here's a valuable lesson for girls everywhere: Abandoning your dreams to have sex with a football player pays handsome dividends indeed.

Naturally Anne Marie gets back on the board in time for the big Pipeline competition. However, she's so hung over and sore, she slips off her board, hits her head on a rock and dies. Ok, I made that last part up, but a spoiler in a movie like "Blue Crush" is pretty much redundant.

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