Boogeyman

Bomb Rating: 

I figured it was going to be a piece of crap, but it wasn't even entertaining in the same way "Alone in the Dark" was entertaining -- that sort of "so bad it's funny" way.

It's really hard to put into words just how mind-numbingly boring this film was. And it's not like I really expected anything going in. I figured it was going to be a piece of crap, but it wasn't even entertaining in the same way "Alone in the Dark" was entertaining -- that sort of "so bad it's funny" way. "Boogeyman" is just deadly dull, makes little sense, and doesn't have a single moment of suspense.

When Tim Jensen was a little boy, his father got sucked away through his closet, never to be seen again. Now that Tim (Barry Watson) is grown up, he's haunted by the memory of his father's disappearance. He can't sleep and he's afraid to go into closets. Somehow, this doesn't stop him from having an incredibly hot girlfriend. How Tim could ever sustain this relationship is beyond comprehension, but when he goes over to her folks' house, we're made to believe that whenever she comes in the room at night, he turns the light off and pretends to be asleep. How he's been able to pull this off when they're sleeping together is anybody's guess, but apparently director Stephen T. Kay has about as much respect for his audience as a dog does for a burr in its anus.

Tim runs away from the weekend with the parents when he gets some kind of telepathic message from his dead mother (Lucy Lawless). So he returns to his home, attends her funeral, and for whatever reason, returns to the house where his dad got sucked away to face his demons. There he runs into a girl named Franny who turns out to be dead. She tells him that he needs to return to where it all began. Frankly, I didn't know what in the hell she was talking about and judging from the snoring, neither did the other two people in the audience.

After a good 80 minutes of painfully slow plot development and inept camera work that gives new meaning to the word "oblivion," Tim finally faces the boogeyman along with a hot childhood friend (Emily Deschanel), who wasn't even really introduced in the childhood segment of the film. Anyway, suddenly she can see the boogeyman too, but fortunately Tim is able to will the boogeyman away at the last moment. That's right, there's no fancy machine or super-powered vacuum technology or a fucking stick with a crystal on it. Tim just wills the boogeyman away. When he's no longer scared, the boogeyman just disappears. If only I could have disappeared from the screening of this movie.

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