Boo The Mascot

It's one thing to root for your team and be into the game. It's quite another when rooting against the opponent becomes a display of behavior that makes one question whether or not human beings really do have higher brain function.

I attended my first live sporting event in several years, a football game, last weekend. I shouldn't have been so surprised that there were so many ill-behaved, inbred, imbeciles there, but I was. It's one thing to root for your team and be into the game. It's quite another when rooting against the opponent becomes a display of behavior that makes one question whether or not human beings really do have higher brain function. There should be some way to identify these morons either by a forehead tattoo or some other visible, permanent mark. I'm also willing to consider the use of technology. Those of you who are live, sports-attending, opponent-booing morons get a receiver. Those of us who are not, get a transmitter. When you get too close to us or you behave in a manner that is subhuman, you get an electrical shock, kind of like being tasered by the behavior police.

Keep in mind that I'm a sports fan. This rant isn't coming from one of those wimps who hates sports and hates athletes because some kid tackled him too hard in elementary school or because he got hit in the groin by the kickball and was scarred for life. No, I know sports. I keep up with most sports. I play sports and play them quite well. Still, I can't fathom the need to embarrass the human race all in the name of opponent-bashing.

It's not like sports don't make me mad either. I once got so mad playing golf that I threw my five-wood across the street and into the neighboring zoo after a bad shot. I'm not emotionless. However, watching the dumbasses in front of me during the football game was an eye-opener. It wasn't anything all that unusual either, but I was appalled at the one guy who, every time the opposing cheerleaders came around with their mascot, felt the need to give them the finger and scream. Clearly, this guy had some issues. Of course, he doesn't have as many issues as Cory Petero, an assistant coach in California, who ran out on the field and whacked an opposing player for a late hit. The opposing player was 13-years-old. It would be funny if this were an isolated incident. Parents at their children's sporting events are some of the most disgusting creatures alive.

The other perplexing occurrence at my football game happened whenever our team was penalized. We were sitting in the end zone at about field level when a time out was called during a field goal. The field goal was made, but after the time out was called, thus rendering it pointless. Now, either the time out was called in time or it was not. However, one thing was for sure. From our vantage point, we couldn't see shit. Given what happened in the Oklahoma-Oregon game this past weekend, it might be stretching believability to suggest that referees are generally competent, but I'm pretty sure they got this one right, even though I couldn't see it. Unfortunately, after the second field goal was missed by our team, everyone around me seemed to fly into a rage about the bad call, even though they really didn't have the slightest clue whether the referees got it right or wrong. Personally, I assumed they got it right. Sure, it sucked, but it happens all the time. Why some guys decided that a wasp had just stung them in the balls and they needed to shout at the top of their lungs, using every profanity known to man perplexes me. It also became the example of why the refs had a vendetta against our team.

And since when did profanity become the mating call of the beer-drinking, blue collar, football game attending manner tard? How do these guys get girlfriends and actually keep them? These women sit there passively the whole game long. I can't imagine what happens at home when dinner isn't ready. I guess it's the failed football player and the failed cheerleader set. I shiver thinking about their offspring.

Then there's the father who was teaching his son to boo the mascot. This is but one example why I believe nobody should be allowed to have a child without first taking a class. First lesson: Why it's bad parenting to teach your child that booing another team's mascot is bad manners and just generally so stupid that somebody should suck out your brain with a high-powered vacuum and donate your body to science. I wonder if this father realized that aggression and violence toward animals is usually an indication of a predisposition towards serial killing.

From now on, I think I'll take the comfort of my living room over the human Petri dish of subhuman behavior that is the modern live sporting event.

POSTSCRIPT: As if this wasn't all bad enough, the replay official who blew the call in the Oklahoma/Oregon game is getting death threats. Those threats aren't just against him, but his entire family. I propose putting the entire state of Oklahoma on lock-down until the culprits are found, arrested, and beaten. Stop your whining, Sooners. Sometimes you cheat and sometimes you get cheated. I think you made this bed.


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