Bridesmaids

Bomb Rating: 

Instead of descending into tragic self-parody like Michael Myers, or only saying yes to movies that allow for the employment of talentless hangers-on like Adam Sandler, Wiig has elected to become a male chauvinist lapdog.

Hollywood operates as a fundamentally sexist boys club that goes by the maxim "nobody cares what women talk about amongst themselves, unless they're talking about men." With that truism firmly in mind, on occasion the puppetmasters behind the scenes allow a movie like "Bridesmaids" to be released, a film which at first appears to subvert Tinseltown's macho image but in reality just further illustrates the enormous pale thumb female thespians find themselves under.

The biggest problem with "Bridesmaids" can be derived from the title: absolutely every interaction between women in this film revolves around men. Marriage, break-ups, fuck-buddies, stalking – "Bridesmaids" covers the full gamut of The Only Things Women Are Good For On-Screen. The film's female-dominated cast is entirely wasted by a script that refuses to acknowledge that chicks might occasionally have other topics of conversation than how exactly they need to alter their lives so as to become more appealing to those who possess a penis.

Of course, this fact is obscured by Kristen Wiig's breakthrough role that proves there is more than one way to fail after starring on Saturday Night Live. Instead of descending into tragic self-parody like Michael Myers, or only saying yes to movies that allow for the employment of talentless hangers-on like Adam Sandler, Wiig has elected to become a male chauvinist lapdog. Yes, I realize that by forcing you to read that last sentence I have transported you visually to a place where Alex Baldwin gently strokes Wiig's head as she cries big blubbery tears all over his $60,000 tuxedo, but there's nothing I can do about the twisted path that your mind has chosen to take on its way to the truth.

I find a helpful instructional tool for ferreting out the sexism inherent in "Bridesmaids" is to imagine what the film would have been like had it been directed by Michael Bay. As the man is incapable of subtext, every character with a speaking role would have been employed at the same strip club, which would have been owned by the oldest female character in an insulting attempt to convince women that free will is within reach. Of course, since it's Michael Bay, the head Madame would have to be digitally aged using CGI effects, as there is no way he has ever even spoken to a female human being over the age of 26. Also, something about exploding breast implants and a robot that has been programmed to give blowjobs when not transforming into a combination foot stool / golf ball washer.

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