Bring It On

Bomb Rating: 

I seriously considered ripping my own eyes out, eating them, and jamming popcorn into my ears with the end of my Coke straw until my brain was soaked with Canola oil.

Not surprisingly, this film starts off with a cheer, which was so heinous and annoying that I seriously considered ripping my own eyes out, eating them, and jamming popcorn into my ears with the end of my Coke straw until my brain was soaked with Canola oil.

Kirsten Dunst, who plays Torrance, the new captain of the Toros' cheerleading squad, looks like one of those wooden puppets whose joints are connected by metal rods. When she comes bounding out kicking her legs in the air, I became frightened that a limb would just haphazardly fly off into the ether. Few things will bring an acting career to a screeching halt faster than having one of your limbs leave your body and impale a Teamster.

This movie is something of a reality check for white girls everywhere. After Torrance becomes the captain of the squad and befriends a new cheerleader named Missy (Eliza Dushku), she discovers that the former captain had led the Toros to their fifth cheerleading national title by stealing cheers from the black girls at the inner-city high school. Torrance goes to the school and watches the Clovers and their captain, Isis (Gabrielle Union), and realizes that the white suburban girls with their Richard Simmons rhythm and lawn-bowling athleticism have a snowball's chance in hell of beating the black girls at the cheerleading thing. Unfortunately, it takes the movie another hour or so to lumber toward the inevitable conclusion of a cheerleading showdown.

Fortunately, I don't have to lumber, so I'm submitting my best cheer:

Your movie
Sucks bad.
It makes me wish
I had - A gun.
So mean.
I'd blow apart the screen.
C-R-A-N-K - Why?
Because I'm cranky.
Yeah, yeah, I'm cranky.

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