Bubble Boy

Bomb Rating: 

My only happy memory as a child was watching John Travolta in the 1976 television movie "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble," a wonderful movie based on a true story that taught us all to appreciate life because here was this boy with a deficient immune system who had to live in a plastic bubble, but who somehow managed to love life in all its splendor. Shortly thereafter, my favorite cat was run over by a drunk ice cream truck driver and I quickly realized that God hated me and that life was really just a swirling cesspool of disappointment, and that if I ever met the real bubble boy, I was just absolutely going to kick his ass.

Ever since those events, I promised myself that if I ever heard or saw anything related to the bubble boy, I was going to hunt down those responsible and exact a terrible revenge that may or may not include flinging squirrel feces, plus yelling obscenities from a distance clearly protected by the First Amendment (but clearly not definable as "hate speech").

"Bubble Boy" is an obvious infraction upon my delicate sensibilities -- the story of a boy named Jimmy Livingston (Jake Gyllenhaal) who grows up in a bubble, but falls for a neighbor girl, Chloe (Marley Shelton). This prompts Jimmy to go out into the world by making a bubble with legs that kind of resembles one of those hamster balls -- you know, the kind you put hamsters in and let them roll their way onto the highway and then take bets from the local kids about how long it'll take before they get mushed.

Luckily for Jimmy, Chloe looks a whole lot like Heather Graham, because if this movie bore any resemblance to real life, Chloe would look like a pre-stomach-stapled Carnie Wilson after a pork rind binge. As we all know, the only chicks who go visit bubble boys are about as hot -- or female -- as the chicks you meet in chat rooms. Speaking of mutants, during Jimmy's little quest to travel to Niagara Falls to stop Chloe's wedding he runs into a band of freaks led by Dr. Phreak (Verne Troyer). He also encounters a number of other bizarre characters. Sadly, this movie wasn't much different from "Rat Race" in that they both involved strange incidents with cows and long, boring road trips. Frankly, I don't know how many "road" pictures can come out in two weeks, but it appears that a group of executive assistants probably got together and had one too many Zimas and conspired to plague society with them all at the same time.

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