Anybody who's read Mr. Cranky for any length of time knows my opinion on plays that are turned into movies. That's right, let's all scream it in unison: STAY ON THE FUCKING STAGE!

How many of these things are successful movies anyway? Like none? If I wanted to watch a play I'd go see a play. I don't go to the movies to watch a couple of lunatics sit in a room and talk to each other for 102 minutes. That is not my idea of a good time. That is not anybody's idea of a good time. That is why "Bug" will be on DVD by June 15.

This is a film about the nature of paranoia. There's probably a lot to be read into this film, but who the hell goes to movies to spend their time figuring out all the hidden subtext? I sure don't. Agnes White (Ashley Judd) is a lonely waitress who lives in a motel called the Rustic Motel somewhere in Oklahoma. Her phone rings and when she answers, nobody is there. It rings over and over. She answers over and over, believing it to be her ex-husband, ex-con Jerry (Harry Connick Jr.). I wondered why she wasn't smart enough to simply disconnect the thing. This is the first clue that we're about to watch a film about morons.

Her lesbian friend R.C. (Lynn Collins) brings over a stranger named Peter (Michael Shannon), who woos Agnes with his weirdness and frankness. They sleep together. Peter wakes up in the middle of the night believing he's been bitten by a bug that Agnes can't see. There starts the couple's descent into madness. They then proceed to talk about bugs for the next hour or so. I suppose the scene where Peter really goes over the edge is startling, but who in the hell watches people talk for an hour just for one moment where a guy freaks out? It's just not worth it.

Don't get tricked into thinking this is a regular horror film. "Bug" is just an elaborate stage play put on film, nothing more.