Cabin Fever

Bomb Rating: 

Hollywood only needs one David Lynch.

One has to wonder how a movie this bad got released theatrically. Even if I had rented this thing as a straight-to-video release, I could have won a legal case after destroying the store's merchandise by defending my actions as an act of self-defense and a service to humanity. Calling this a movie is like stepping on a cat's tail and calling it music.

This is a story about a bunch of kids who travel into the woods for a weekend cabin getaway and are attacked by some kind of unknown virus. Personally, the most pressing mystery this film presented to me concerned a garden hose that was out in the middle of the woods. I mean, here you have this cabin out in the middle of nowhere with no electricity and there's this garden hose just sitting out there available for washing cars and stuff. For the life of me, I could not figure out where that garden hose came from or what it was attached to. I've been to a fair number of broken-down, wooden cabins in my day and rarely do they have nice, pressurized garden hoses with running water. Here's the really, really sad thing: The movie would have been much better if the entire thing were about the mystery of the garden hose.

Director Eli Roth is apparently some kind of devil spawn protégé of director David Lynch (and thus, the garden hose mystery takes on an added level of intrigue, however unintended by the director himself). I think a friend of mine said it best: Hollywood only needs one David Lynch. Hollywood could also use one less Eli Roth.

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