Cadillac Records

Bomb Rating: 

This movie is so entirely unsubstantiated and so incredibly useless that it might as well be shelved next to "Josie and the Pussycats" for all its historical relevance.

Beyonce in Cadillac Records

Cadillac Records is the story of Chess records, a record company in the Fifties that signed African American youth to sing blues, soul and rock and roll. It's so loosely based on the actual story that you have to remind yourself that it's not a spoof film. Some of these things happened. But that doesn't give them any right to put it on film. And Chess Records? Oh, now I get it – black and white pieces on the same board? Nope. It's the owner's name, Leonard Chess (Adrien Brody). There is no deeper meaning. If you can grasp that now you have a fighting chance of making it to the end of this movie. 

It tries so desperately to be a meaningful portrayal of hardship and struggle of African Americans in the early days of music that it falls short of the point. I've seen better emotional acting from Bill Cosby. There is no mighty victory over evil, no great triumph of will. It's like watching a blind man aim at a 3 inch dartboard with a needle from across the room. Bad ideas flowed from the movie like whiskey from a crystal spring. Beyonce as a singing drug addict? How whimsical. Mos Def crooning fifties rock and roll? It's a winner. And the sweat? I was terrified to look up at the screen in case the sweat leaked from it. Why is it mandatory that in every "struggle" film there has to be so much sweat? Somebody just give them a fucking towel.

All sympathy for the characters vanishes as you calmly remember that in real life they are rich beyond our imagination and treated like royalty. I did not see Etta James writhing on the floor all drugged up, I saw Beyonce Knowles trying to remember how trashed she was at the last Destiny's Child reunion. She wears that ridiculous Amy Winehouse meets Tina Turner wig and disappears up Adrien Brody's gaping nostrils for most of their dialogue. At least I did. What director aims his camera right up the nostrils of the only Jewish man on set? That anti-semitic bastard should learn to practice what he preaches.  

After feverishly trying to bring some substance into the script, television director Darnell Martin forcefully cascades into an over-emotional, over-acted synthetic stage play. This is what happens when repetitive themes from Law and Order are applied to a movie. Chuck Berry (Mos Def) is incarcerated for sleeping with white women. Etta James (Beyonce Knowles) has a white father who doesn't want to know her. Geneva (Gabrielle Union) has to deal with a man who sleeps around. Does the stereotyping never end? I kept waiting for the scene when Oprah's character from the Color Purple would come screaming out from behind a well placed bush and wave an angry fist at the racist white policemen.   

Damn me for saying so but with a Hollywood budget I expect an action packed ending. What I don't expect are the main characters to die and a random songwriter who you see maybe twice during the movie to claim all the riches at the end. That's not satisfying. After everything I just sat through for 109 minutes I want a big car crash, I want a scorned lover to take her revenge, I want a decent murder scene! I don't want a monotone narrator to tell me the guy's dead when he flops forward onto his Cadillac and it just, kind of, stops. Eh. This movie is so entirely unsubstantiated and so incredibly useless that it might as well be shelved next to "Josie and the Pussycats" for all its historical relevance. Don't watch this movie if you're African American, Hispanic or from any other ethnic minorities, it will piss you off. White people shouldn't see it either. We can finally use this as a true rallying point, and together we can unite and rid the world of Darnell Martin and his stupid, stupid ideas.

To spread the word about this Cadillac Records review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
10 Comments

Like This Cadillac Records Review? Vote it Up.

2

Rate This Movie:

Average: 4 (1 vote)

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • MAJOR SPOILERS

  • This is a movie about shopping in the same way that ‘A Perfect Storm’ was a movie about people who love to fish.  Remember that movie about

  • Will Ferrell and John C Reilly have done it again. They've taken an impossibly bad idea and made it considerably worse.

What Josie and the Pussycats DID have

gamerarocks's picture

was product placement.

Typo!

FearlessFreep's picture

It's spelled AdriEn Brody! 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Thanx for correcting it

FearlessFreep's picture

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

For the real Etta James

FearlessFreep's picture

Try the 1987 Chuck Berry concert movie HAIL, HAIL ROCK 'N' ROLL, in which she has a good number.

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

cadilac records

Anonymous's picture

Mr. Cranky, I rarely would say this.
You were too kind to this abomination.
However, it's quite apparent that you DON'T know who Willie Dixon was and how important part of the Chess Records story he was.
He wasn't just "some" songwriter.

The word is "black" if you're obsessed with skin color

Crusader Rabbit's picture

What would you call a white guy who moved to Phoenix from Johannesburg?

Can we PLEASE put a stop to this "African-American" bullshit?

No. Since African American

jazzdrive3's picture

No.

Since African American seems to annoy more people now than "black" does, I think we'll just keep using African American.

people, person, that guy over there...

TMundo's picture

...all seem to work pretty well too.  Yes, I see color, but do we need to enforce the difference all the time at every given moment?

Mr. T, you're a white guy married to a Brazilian lady, and

Coaster's picture

you attend an all Black church.  Somehow, I think you're missing out on all the fun that is racism. 

Blacks vs. black people

FearlessFreep's picture

Some forum participant at THE HUFFINGTON POST complained about someone using the term "blacks" instead of "black people."

Signed, 

The artist formerly known as Zorro.

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.