Captain America

Bomb Rating: 

Superhero origin stories suck. I didn’t used to feel that way, but after watching nearly every single comic book-based movie tell the same tired histories over and over, I came to the realization that directors and writers are far too frightened to take any risks and actually have their heroes do anything other than become themselves ad nauseam. Who needs fanboys filling the Internet with their fat, blubbering digital sobs over some perceived departure from canon when you can instead rigidly adhere to the words and ideas committed to ink by some impoverished creative soul in between ether binges 40 years ago?

Not anyone currently involved with Marvel Films, that’s for sure. The latest costumed sap to be trotted out and paraded in front of a masturbating audience of frat boys and four-color nerds is “Captain America,” a film so devoted to exposition that it’s not until the end of the flick that you realize the so-called Captain never actually gets the chance to confront his purported nemesis head-on. That’s right – the Red Skull and the Captain do manage to trade a few barbs, and there’s a half-hearted chase scene or two, but what “Captain America” really boils down to is a tedious examination of Steve Rogers’ boring career as some kind of “support the troops” cabaret act.

Sure, he’s strong and shit, and yeah, science made him into some kind of super soldier, but hey, the Army decided he could best serve his country by reading from a script in front of a microphone while leggy chicks danced the can-can in the background. The only action that Captain America gets to see happens when he just fucks off and decides to take on a squad of elite Nazi soldiers on his own, a sequence that comes about four hours into this five hour film and which lasts a good 15 minutes before El Capitan finds himself waking up from a fucking COMA 75 years into the future.

Spoiler Alert?

Let’s wrap things up, then. “Captain America” is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits. Why didn’t they just give this move an accurate title, like “Captain America – Part 1” or “The Avengers Prelude” or “Origin Story #67 That We Will Be Retelling In Eight Years After Third Film In Franchise Forces A Reboot.” Hell, they could save themselves a lot of cash on that last entry in the trilogy and just hire Renny Harlin to helm the second flick. Geena Davis tells me he’s available.

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Average: 4.2 (5 votes)

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