Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Bomb Rating: 

A mandolin is like a small, retarded guitar, and everyone knows what they say about men with small guitars.

If you want to understand why most of the world seems to be indiscriminately slaughtering each other, watch this depressing film. I am incredibly tired of World War II films, and I'm tired of films about Nazis.

Hey, Hollywood, here's a news flash from the viewing public: WE GET IT. Hitler was a bad, bad man. World War II was awful beyond our wildest imaginations. Allies good. Axis bad. Hitler's idea of a hot night was to have a woman take a steaming dump on his face, and he had only one nut rattling around in his shriveled little sack. Which, when you think about it, was the source of a lot of the conflict. Hitler had an inferiority complex and was trying to make up for the absent testicle by convincing the German people that they were the master race. Really what they were was one gigantic, metaphorical testicle. Do you realize how big you have to make something in order for it to fill the void of a missing testicle? Pretty damn big, I'd say - like master race big.

Frankly, I didn't particularly care for anybody in this film. The Italians show up to take control of the Greek island of Cephallonia, which is apparently where one goes to get a blowjob, if I understand my etymology. As one would expect, the Italians are not at all interested in fighting, so they mainly wander around the island pretending to be the German's allies. Captain Antonio Corelli (Nicolas Cage) saunters about singing and trying to convince everyone the Italians aren't going to shoot anybody. He quickly falls for Dr. Iannis' (John Hurt) daughter, Pelagia (Penelope Cruz) because she's the only woman on the island without bales and bales of body hair and, being from Italy, he's never even seen a woman without a mustache. Pelagia doesn't much care for Corelli, because she's betrothed to Mandras (Christian Bale), a dumb but patriotic Greek who quickly runs off to fight despite the fact he could stay home and boink Penelope Cruz.

Let's see: fight, or screw Penelope Cruz? Clearly, Mandras is a colossal idiot. Corelli is interested in the latter, and once he plays his mandolin, Pelagia falls for him. Why, I don't know. A mandolin is like a small, retarded guitar, and everyone knows what they say about men with small guitars. Eventually, the Germans show up and Corelli is forced to defy the Italian national motto and actually put up a fight, which Corelli's force quickly loses to the overpowering Germans. Naturally, everything ends happily insofar as Penelope Cruz gets screwed at the end.

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