The Caveman's Valentine

Bomb Rating: 

What are the demands on the director as storyteller? There aren't any.

In reality, I don't think it's possible to be homeless and make a fashion statement at the same time. In film, however, anything is possible, which is why Romulus Ledbetter (Samuel L. Jackson) has such cool hair. I mean, he has really cool hair. If Romulus didn't want to be homeless, he could just walk down to the New York offices of GQ and watch the gay office assistant rub himself on the velvet couch while considering what repping such cool hair could mean for his career.

Not only does Romulus have cool hair, but he lives in a cave and is a former Juilliard student whose bouts of psychosis have driven him from music. For whatever reason, Romulus sees chiseled naked black men flying around in his head. He also thinks there's a guy named Stiverson who's after him. However, all this doesn't stop him from solving a murder. See, Romulus's daughter is a cop, and he doesn't feel he's lived up to her expectations.

Romulus's murder mystery begins when a frozen boy shows up in a tree outside his cave. Yes, the boy is dead. Another homeless boy shows up and explains to Romulus how the boy was a model for a famous photographer named David Leppenraub (Colm Feore) and that Leppenraub tortured him and there's a tape to prove it.

This provides Romulus with the excuse he needs to prove to his daughter that he can sometimes think straight. He gets a suit from a rich guy named Bob (Anthony Michael Hall) and goes running off to Leppenraub's farm to solve the murder. Here's the thing about this movie: Since it's about a crazy man, the director, Kasi Lemmons, is basically free to do whatever she wants. Whether it's naked black angels flying around or spinning the camera in circles, the inside of a crazy man's head can look however crazy one wants it to. What are the demands on the director as storyteller? There aren't any. Frankly, it's like watching preschoolers at recess.

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