The plot of "Cellular" is like watching one of those insane NASCAR crashes where the driver suddenly veers sideways while going 200 mph and his car starts flipping over and over and pieces of the automobile fly off in all different directions.
Kim Basinger, who looks like the Botox fairy passed out on her face, plays Jessica Martin, a woman kidnapped by a group led by Greer (Jason Statham). Fortunately, Jessica is a science teacher, so when Greer smashes the conveniently placed phone in the attic in which she's confined, she knows how to make random calls by tapping copper wires together. Frankly, it's kind of like watching Paris Hilton split atoms.
Jessica manages to get Ryan (Chris Evans) on his cell, thereby beginning the most intolerable kind of filmmaking sequence: the kind where the characters describe every single event we see on the screen. Jessica's shrieks of "Oh my God!" and "Don't hang up!" take on the kind of tone that one associates with aggressively annoying relatives at torturous Thanksgiving dinners.
Coincidences and logic flaws begin to pile up on each other like naked frat boys in a Skull and Bones initiation ceremony. Add to that a musical score that sounds like it was stolen from "Star Trek 9: Advance of the Klingon Horde," and "Cellular" begins turning into a guilty pleasure for those with sadistic cinematic tendencies.
Initially skeptical, Ryan asks Jessica if she's been kidnapped because she's rich. "No," she says. "I'm a teacher" -- as the bad guys drive off in her Porsche Cayenne Turbo. As Ryan drives around L.A. performing various tasks, he seems genuinely shocked when his progress is halted by, of all things, traffic. This movie's LAX looks an awful lot like the L.A. Convention Center. Finally, this is the type of movie that has Ryan running up to the roof of a building where he'll obviously be trapped, only to find a construction trash tube to jump in and escape from harm's way. Never mind that in the real world, such tubes usually drop many stories straight down into a pile of bricks.
Get on the phone and tell all your friends to stay away from "Cellular."
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