Charlie's Angels

Bomb Rating: 

This whole movie plays like nothing more than an elaborate music video.

It's no longer really even a question of seeing these films and evaluating them on any subjective level. It all really starts when the trailer for whatever new film based on an old television show comes across the theater screen, and my first impulse is to pull an eyeball out of my own skull and plunge an inkpen deep into my frontal lobe.

Hollywood is so devoid of original ideas that it's an utter miracle that ALL we see isn't old television shows turned into film. But hell, we're getting close. The Angels are now composed of Natalie (Cameron Diaz), Dylan (Drew Barrymore), and Alex (Lucy Liu). Bosley is played by Bill Murray, while Charlie, who's never seen, is still the same voice. The plot consists of the Angels trying to figure out whether Roger Corwin kidnapped fellow technology whiz Eric Knox (Sam Rockwell) and why. Knox's partner, Vivian Wood (Kelly Lynch), hires the Angels to find out.

Aside from the fact that this whole movie plays like nothing more than an elaborate music video, it's got Drew Barrymore's boyfriend, Tom Green, in it. Drew may think Greene is an amusing actor, but I beg to differ. He is to the acting world what slugs are to the insect world. Besides that, he delivers his lines like a Koala bear on medication. I'm sure his one testicle and Drew's sagging breasts (man, are those wild pre-teen years taking their toll) will be happy well into their late 20's, but I don't need to see them flirting on camera in a movie that's supposed to be something approaching fiction. Then again, the disgust is certainly appropriate to the concept.

Is it me, or does Bill Murray suddenly seem like a guy extremely hard up for work? This is a man who is generally considered to be one of film's funniest comedians, and here he is kissing up to the likes of Lucy Liu, whose major talent, as far as I can figure, is being able to toss her hair in several different directions at once. The film is directed by McG, whose name screams "first-time film director straight from the music video market" so loud you could be sitting in the front row of "Remember the Titans" in another part of the multi-plex and still hear it. What kind of runaway ego do you have to have to actually credit yourself as "McG?" If that doesn't create a picture in your mind of a guy sucking his own tool, I don't know that anything can.

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