Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle

Bomb Rating: 

s amputated them.

If the original "Charlie's Angels" had any legs nostalgically, director "McG" (that's right: no first name, no last name, just "McG") has amputated them. His nauseating direction feels like the machinations of a fast food worker at the end of his mental rope, begging the logical question: "McG, do I get fries with this?" Apparently, McG is short for McGagreflex.

Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu are back as female superspies, but could easily be mistaken for bored extras in a 105-minute music video tribute to classic rock. Humor and logic are about as native to McG and company as ditch-digging and humility.

The film's language isn't merely indecipherable -- it's something that will confound linguists 10,000 years from now as they try to determine whether it qualified as actual human communication. The Angels are trying to recover some rings that contain a code protected by something called Halo. They backflip over bullets and grab onto helicopters falling from the sky in an apparent effort to inspire Isaac Newton's enraged corpse to reanimate and hunt them down.

At the end of this long, torturous path is villain Madison Lee (Demi Moore), a former Angel herself. Moore has apparently been on hiatus from Hollywood for the past few years, waiting for Ashton Kutcher to become legal. Moore slinks around in a body so augmented and skin so shiny that several Dow Corning executives at my screening had to be carried out on stretchers. Thankfully, the medics remained on standby until this disaster concluded.

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