Bomb Rating: 

Maybe director Lasse ("The Cider House Rules") Hallstrom could do me a favor and stop trying to teach me lessons about everything, because I know for damn sure there have got to be quite a few things I could teach him. For instance: Ultra-soft bathroom tissue is never a bad idea, and do not put the steak into your mouth with the same force you used to put the fork into the steak.

Lasse seems little interested in telling stories and more interested in teaching morals -- and politically correct ones, at that. His big message in this fairy tale of a woman named Vianne (Juliette Binoche), who comes to a small village and opens a chocolate shop? TOLERANCE. Holy crap, Lasse, that lesson belongs right up there with "Why it's bad to murder" and "Don't punish children by putting them in an oven."

You see, Vianne has a daughter, Anouk (Victoire Thivisol) but isn't married. Immediately, the mayor, Comte de Reynaud (Alfred Molina), starts talking badly about her in church. Her child is a bastard and she's opened a chocolate shop during Lent! The horror! Apparently, this means that she should be ridiculed and driven out of town. Unfortunately for the mayor, Vianne is just the woman at just the right time for Josephine (Lena Olin), whose husband (Peter Stormare) beats her, and for an old woman (Judi Dench) who is estranged from her daughter (Carrie-Anne Moss) and grandson (some little twerp).

Naturally, the entire town is Christian while Vianne is a non-believer, which explains their behavior. Now, I'm just as anti-Christian as the next anti-Christian, but it's not exactly news that Church-goers are intolerant, which is probably why we keep getting these stories over and over again, which probably means they're not having much effect. However, it's not exactly like most other religions have heeded this tolerance call. It's just that when you make fun of Jews or Muslims, either the anti-defamation league forces you into hiding or somebody blows up a cheap car near your house. Sure, the Christians are prone to dragging a person around on a chain or slaughtering a village or two, but for the most part, they respond by whining about how persecuted they are. Perhaps all this intolerance has less to do with any specific religion and just with how stupid people are.

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Coaster alert: Harvard Professor Develops Inhalable Chocolate

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

It's on Faux News so it must be true.,2933,514158,00.html


{;-) Dan in Miami



Zero Calories? I Dunno....

Coaster's picture

I'm pretty sure every time I walk into Old World Confectionaires in Tulsa, I gain 4 pounds alone just from the smell of the stuff.  I mean, com on, they got six kinds of truffles.

I say you SHOULD put little brats into ovens!

FearlessFreep's picture

The only way they'll ever learn.


Freep: Your comment is narrow-minded and offensive.

Wally_Pipp's picture

Little brats are equally delicious broiled, grilled or breaded and deep-fried. Oven roasting is not the only way to go and your kind of gastronomical narrow-mindedness has been the bane of the existences of gourmands everywhere for countless years.

Hang your head in shame!

Best regards, Wally

If children don't like raw vegetables, boil them

FearlessFreep's picture



I don't smoke , I don't drink and I don't do drugs

Rajah's picture

So that l leaves me chocolate as my one true vice

Children are much better pickled, you freaks!

Milk-fed children are oh, so tender.

Mal_Content's picture

A rotisserie's the way to go. I'm in the mood for a donair.  Sadly, you can't buy a good donair on the island, and I just found out that the best place to buy them back home has closed down.

btw, anyone know the difference between a donair and a shawarma?  Don't tell me to look it up - I want to know if anyone has had both, and how they compare?

Put a li'l Lawry's on 'em for extra flavor.

HS's picture

Mmmm, finger-lickin' good!



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