Clash of the Titans
It’s hard to believe that a movie featuring giant scorpions being ridden by dudes wearing leather skirts and armor could suck as hard as Clash of the Titans did, but director Louis Leterrier seemingly went out of his way to cram as much awfulness into the film’s 106 minutes as possible. Let’s go down a short list of the most egregious offences committed by this tired remake:
Liam Neeson’s Zeus wearing some kind of sparkly silver suit while being filmed through a Vaseline-smeared lens like he was in some kind of low-budget porno starring the Greek gods. I don’t know who decided it would be a good idea to base Mount Olympus on the same Krypton set designs used in the first few Superman movies, but I kept expecting Neeson to scream ‘KNEEL BEFORE ZOD’ at any moment. And then get a PG-13 blowjob.
The decision to give Ralph Fiennes enough makeup and hair extensions to make him a dead-ringer for Nic Cage after a week-long Vegas bender. Why not just hire Cage? It’s not like he doesn’t need the money. I swear I didn’t even know it was Fiennes until I looked it up on IMDB.
Sam Worthington deciding to play Perseus like he was some kind of farm boy joining the Marines. He was like the Greek Luke Skywalker, only without the hair.
Clash of the Titan’s problems extend far beyond these simple errors. The film’s tedious dialogue, clumsy in-jokes and characters who flit on and off the screen whenever there’s a need for exposition, a humorous interlude or pseudo-romantic action reveal just how disjointed the script must have been when shooting started. Like so many fantasy films, the movie suffers from the ‘we’ll walk for a while, get attacked by some bad guys a few times, and then amazingly find ourselves back where we started’ curse that afflicts most mythological tales without a cohesive plot.
The best part of this wretched excuse for an adventure film was also its worst. After months of build-up in trailers and online features, the film’s mega-gigantic Kraken creature gets only a few minutes of screen time before being unceremoniously defeated by some dead Gorgon’s head. In fact, the vast majority of the Kraken’s scene involved it rising up out of the sea like some kind of uber-Godzilla / Cloverfield creation, causing only collateral damage instead of truly getting the chance to unleash its rage on the city it had been sent to destroy. The only reason I sat through the rest of this train wreck was in the hopes that the Kraken payoff would make the entire mind-numbing experience worth it, but instead I found myself full of the kind of hollow disappointment I typically only experience on lonely Christmas mornings in my van down by the river.
Think of Clash of the Titans as being like that video game you had when you were a kid that had that one level you could never, ever get past. You just kept hitting continue, continue, continue, fighting the same battles over and over until you got so frustrated you actually went outside and sat in the yard and cried a single, beautiful tear. And then the Kraken rose up from the pavement in front of you and gently licked it off your cheek, completely shattering your worldview and making you swear off games for good – at least until Magic: The Gathering came out.
Don’t see this movie.
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