"Cloverfield" is, as many have already said, "Godzilla" meets "The Blair Witch Project" with a bit of "Alien" tossed in. Or as we say in the film critic business: "Derivative" meets "Derivative" with a bit of "Derivative" tossed in.

So, just to get the preliminary plot shit out of the way - a group of friends are partying, celebrating Rob's (Michael Stahl-David) last night in NYC before he heads to Japan for a job. His friend Hud (T.J. Miller) grabs a video camera and starts filming. He catches some friction between Rob and Beth (Odette Yustman), and focuses his lens on his own potential hook-up, Marlena (Lizzy Caplan). The party is hosted by Lily (Jessica Lucas) and Jason (Mike Vogel), the latter being Rob's brother. Next thing you know, there's a huge explosion, the head of the Statue of Liberty comes rolling down the street, and NYC is under attack.

One reason "Cloverfield" works as a horror movie and not as a big joke is that it exploits the terror attacks of September 11. My first thought when the first explosions occur in downtown NYC is that, "man, people would freak." And indeed they do. "Cloverfield" is effectively the first film to use 9/11 as nothing more than a pop culture diving board. It's a memory, no more significant than any other, and one that has now clearly shifted from tangible to nostalgia. Just like Godzilla was the manifestation for the nuclear bomb, the monster in "Cloverfield" is the manifestation of faceless terror. We can't really see it, but we know it sucks.

Sadly, the only effort being made here is to profit from a cheaply filmed, starless, monster movie. Sure, there are special effects and they seem to kind of blend in to the surroundings. It's just, there's nothing intellectual about this film at all. Nothing is said. These partying twenty-somethings are empty, vacuous, and utterly uninteresting. Rob realizes that he must find Beth and tell her that he loves her, but in what terror movie is that not a predictable outcome? Some hunky dude and some doe-eyed, hot chick always have to express their love.

Although not the director or writer, J.J. Abrams hand is all over this film. Director Matt Reeves and writer Drew Goddard have "Alias" and "Felicity" credits all over them like bums who smell of rotting flesh and alcohol. There's almost no question that the inspiration for this film lay in the fascination with the black cloud monster in "Lost". People have been asking "What is it?" and "Why is it there?" for three years now with no answers. Here's another monster whose origin is murky and whose purpose is unknown, other than death and destruction.

"Cloverfield" is all hype and if its opening weekend is proof, it appears to have worked. That may say more about the culture that has accepted it than anything that could ever be said within the film itself. We're all just a bunch of commercial-driven sheep.