Cold Creek Manor

Bomb Rating: 

I gave this movie an extra bomb just because I hate Mike Figgis.

I gave this movie an extra bomb just because I hate Mike Figgis. The fact that there are some people in this world who consider this guy an auteur makes me sick. He's made so many awful films that it's hard to believe he's allowed to do anything in the film industry, much less direct. Seriously, I would not hire this guy to go get coffee. Consider the films he's made: "Timecode," "The Loss of Sexual Innocence," "One Night Stand," and my own personal favorite shit brick: "Leaving Las Vegas," one of the most overrated films in cinematic history.

Here's the irony: "Cold Creek Manor" might be this guy's best movie ever, and it's still a steaming pile. Cooper Tilson (Dennis Quaid) decides to move his family from the city to the country for safety reasons, apparently because his son, Jesse (Ryan Wilson), is almost hit by an SUV.

So you'd think that a guy concerned about safety would try to lie low when he arrives in his new hometown. Instead, Cooper, a documentary filmmaker, buys an old house with a suspicious past. Not only does he buy the house, but he buys everything inside of the house, including all of the previous family's personal possessions and some photographs of naked girls. Cooper claims he wants to do a documentary on the house or something stupid like that. The truth is that he's just as sick of his wife (Sharon Stone) as we are.

The next thing he knows, the house's previous owner, Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff) shows up and wants to help work on the pool. Of course, we all know that "work on the pool" is a thinly-veiled euphemism for "cut your family up into tiny pieces," but apparently Cooper and his wife, Leah (Stone), don't know this. They don't speak psychotic country bumpkin. Frankly, one has to kind of side with Dale, since Cooper has been pawing through all the Massie family personal stuff like some kind of sicko.

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