Commandments

Bomb Rating: 

What takes a normal person two seconds to figure out takes director Daniel Taplitz 90 minutes to conceive.

Given this is another film starring one of the "Friends," I think it's time to rate them based on their forays into cinema:

  • Courtney Cox - two bombs
  • Jennifer Aniston - three bombs
  • Matthew Perry - four bombs
  • Lisa Kudrow - four bombs
  • David Schwimmer - dynamite
  • Matt LeBlanc - has yet to appear in anything meriting the title of "film."

Of course, the first movie to line them all up in front of a firing squad could change these ratings completely, so we'll consider them temporary. Maybe somebody will do "Friends" meets "Midnight Express" and we can watch them all suffer in a Turkish prison. In the meantime, however, "Commandments" comes rolling along to once again remind us how little talent the "Friends" cast has.

This film is steeped in bible humor. "Oooh, bible humor," you say? Don't wet your pants yet. Aidan Quinn stars as Seth Warner, a man whose life has gone so sour that he's committed himself to breaking all ten commandments to show God how little he thinks of Him/Her/It. After his wife dies and a tornado destroys his house, Seth moves in with his sister-in-law, Rachel (Courtney Cox), and her husband, Harry (Anthony LaPaglia).

The first scene involving Harry features him screwing a woman he's interviewing for an important newspaper story. If the little light bulb doesn't go off in your head right there you should probably give up cinema and return to the land of Babar. Seth has no wife. Rachel has a bad husband. See any possible resolution to that little problem? What takes a normal person two seconds to figure out takes director Daniel Taplitz 90 minutes to conceive. Someone give Taplitz a Rubik's cube and we can rid him from our sight forever.

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