Con Air

Bomb Rating: 

If turnabout is fair play, the next thing that will happen to Jerry Bruckheimer is that a gang of fourteen-year-olds will sodomize him with a joystick. Seems only fair, doesn't it? With films like "Top Gun," "Days of Thunder," "Crimson Tide" and "The Rock" to his credit, Jerry has been sticking it to filmgoers for years. The sooner he learns the difference between a video game and a movie, the better.

Nicolas Cage plays Cameron Poe, a former soldier convicted for manslaughter after beating the crap out of an annoying guy at a bar who was trying to hit on Poe's wife. For some reason known only to scriptwriters with overactive imaginations and an unnatural attraction to joysticks, Poe is paroled and transported on a plane with some of the world's worst criminals.

Though being paroled usually allows one to choose one's own mode of transportation home, Poe ends up in the middle of a hijacking with Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom (John Malkovich), Diamond Dog (Ving Rhames), serial killer Garland Greene (Steve Buscemi) and a bunch of other actors whose names will soon be known only to Jeopardy players with a distinct mastery of the "Has Beens Who Never Were" category. The hijacking happens because the U.S. Marshals Service shackles the criminals with handcuffs that can be picked with a glob of snot.

As with any Bruckheimer film, the point of the story is to make a lot of loud noises. If there's an opportunity to crash something, blow something up or shoot somebody, a Bruckheimer film always takes it because all those things involve a loud noise. If there's a romance scene, his films always blast some horrid song that filmgoers can then expect to hear on the radio for the next year. The only advantage to all this is that sensible people can quietly leave the theater and no one will notice.

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