Corky Romano

Bomb Rating: 

When's the Rachel Dratch film?

It's actually nice to see a movie like this occasionally, because I take one look at the marketing campaign and am quickly reminded that marketing people are lobotomized monkeys and I'm instantly glad not to be one, to be associated with one, or to know one.

Not that "Corky Romano" was going to be a runaway success without them, but just what in the hell is this whole "Who is Corky Romano?" campaign thing? Only tree sloths could sit around a table and imagine that anybody in the world would care. Let's look at the reactions to Chris Kattan's face on a sign that says "Who is Corky Romano?", based on a percentage of average filmgoers who see said sign.

97% - Who cares?
1% - Look, it's Chris Kattan
1% - Look, it's that monkey dude from SNL
1% - My Depends are leaking

Thus, we are able to conclude that 97% of all people who see a picture of Chris Kattan care for the idea of him in a movie about as much as they care for a hijacker tossed out of the depressurized cabin of an airliner. This is because he's a member of "Saturday Night Live", and it seems to be some kind of requirement that, whether you're funny or not, if you're a cast member you eventually get your own movie. I mean, they made "It's Pat", for the love of god. When's the Rachel Dratch film? I can't wait. GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Corky Romano is the embarrassing brother in a Mafia family headed by Pops Romano (Peter Falk) and including brothers played by Peter Berg (that guy with the funky lip from "The Last Seduction") and Chris Penn (the gigantically fat brother of Sean Penn). When the family needs to get an informant inside the FBI, they call on Corky because nobody in the FBI has ever heard of him.

In predictable Kattan fashion, Corky toes that thin line between effeminate and freakishly effeminate, and always appears as though he's spent the last twelve hours chugging double latt├ęs at the local Starbucks. Amazingly, he gets close to a woman at the FBI, undoubtedly because she imagines screwing him would be like being penetrated by a tiny out-of-control jackhammer. Otherwise, I'm not really clear on the attraction. Naturally, by the end of the movie Corky discovers some self-confidence and proves to everyone he deserves to be accepted. By the end of this unendurable litany of SNL movies, those who have inflicted them on us will deserve only derision, scorn and possible criminal charges.

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