The Country Bears

Bomb Rating: 

I was very seriously debating with myself about whether to see this film or have my testicles ripped off for eight dollars by a wino with a rusty fork. Unfortunately, I chose the former.

The most entertaining thing about watching this film was seeing this two-year-old who could not stay in his seat start screaming at the top of his lungs in complete horror as Officer Cheets (Diedrich Bader) is eaten by a car wash. Officer Cheets and his partner are chasing the Country Bears' bus, which goes through a car wash. Officer Cheets opens a window in the car wash and is sucked out of the car by a couple of those blue, spinning rag things. This kid is now apparently going to be seeing those blue, spinning rag things in his sleep for the next 20 years, because at the sight of them, he screamed like his mother had just been devoured by some kind of wild animal. As far as therapy goes, you can go ahead and consider this kid a "lifer." What do you do as a parent when you already know your two-year-old son is a complete wussy?

I don't have the slightest clue what the origin of this film is, but I think it's based on a show at Disney World that was so popular that Michael Eisner tore it down and replaced it with the Jeffrey Katzenberg Dancing Midget revue. The idea is that this group of bears used to be a really popular band but has since broken up. Beary Barrington (Haley Joel Osment) is determined to get them back together, but he's got to get Tennessee, Fred Bedderhead, Ted Bedderhead, and Trixie St. Claire to all talk to each other again. Their goal is to save Country Bear Hall, which is going to be torn down by Reed Thimple (Christopher Walken).

Let me clear up a point of potential confusion here: Christopher Walken is NOT animatronic. He may seem like a robot, he may act like a robot, but he is actually a real human being. I think.

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