The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

Bomb Rating: 

Much ado has been made of the fact that no crocodiles were hurt in the making of this movie. What's kept more quiet, however, is the death toll among other species during filming:

  • 3 kangaroos
  • 6 koalas
  • 5 snakes
  • 2 cameramen
  • 6 bystanders
  • 4 caterers
  • 3 Steve Irwin stunt doubles

Also directly in harm's way: the audience. It's immediately apparent that what appealed to the studio about this movie was that it cost slightly less than "Clerks" to make. Crocodiles are pretty happy with a few meat scraps in compensation, and Steve Irwin was reportedly paid with a case of Fosters and a roll of soft, downy American toilet paper. Rounding out this all-star cast is the best that Australian dinner theater has to offer.

This is basically the Crocodile Hunter TV show interwoven with a goofy espionage subplot so it can legally be called a "movie." A CIA spy satellite goes down in the outback, and the spherical module containing its data bounces once, twice and into the jaws of a waiting crocodile. The croc has been annoying the neighbors, so Steve and Terri Irwin are called in to "save" it by uprooting it from its established territory and transporting it to a new territory where it can be devoured by other crocodiles. Naturally, the goofy CIA agents track the sphere to Steve and Terri, but run away when they get some mud splattered on them and Steve and Terri save the day (if you consider that a spoiler, please don't breed).

At the end, we have the usual outtakes (Steve to Terri: "Hurry up and get the FUCKING SNAKE BAG, bitch! I have a FUCKING VIPER here trying to CHEW MY FUCKING NUTS OFF!" Terri to Steve: "Honey, maybe it's time you started wearing underwear.") Eventually the crocodile passes the metal sphere in a big pile of croc crap, much like I passed 90 minutes sitting through this pointless dung heap of a movie.

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