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EXT. STREET OUTSIDE LUCIFER AND GWEN’S OFFICE
EVERYONE comes out of the office. WULFGAR somehow gets his Wulf-Cycle down the stairs, then LOSES it.
The street outside is lit in a 1930’s way, and the streetlamps only cast circular pools of light. GWEN stays within them to avoid being eaten by Nyarlathotep, and hopes there isn’t a power cut.
A MAN is standing under a streetlamp, casually smoking a piano. He is wearing a trenchcoat, a pair of knees and two hamsters strapped to his ankles for easy concealment.
He is SLATER, cleverly disguised as a GERMAN SOLDIER cleverly disguised as SLATER.
SLATER: Cunt.
LUCIFER: Dammit, man, you were always going to be in this fanfic. Now you’ve made it look like I’m copping out by putting you in. Curse you with a plague of rocks and small, pointy things.
SLATER: Never mind that. There’s a mysterious warehouse on the edge of town. It is mysterious and so on. We need to go there and check it out.
LUCIFER: Sounds serious.
ARNIE proceeds to CLIMB out of SLATER’S TROUSERS very GRIMLY.
ARNIE: Like me. I am serious.
He leaves.
LUCIFER: Right, let’s get to that warehouse. This bus will probably take us there.
GWEN: What bus?
A BUS appears in the STORY.
LUCIFER: That one. I HAVE THE POWER OF WRITING! MUWHAHAHAHAHA!
GWEN punches LUCIFER because he is an IDIOT.
INT. BUS, SOME TIME LATER
Everyone is sitting on the bus.
LUCIFER: Hmmm, the bus is running a little slow today…
Two RANDOM PASSENGERS stand up. Both are CONQUEROR HANDLES.
CONQUEROR HANDLE #1: INFIDEL! We are the SHINING BROTHERS OF DAWN, and we are going to HIJACK the bus and take it to, err, SOMEWHERE COMPLETELY NAFF!
CONQUEROR HANDLE #2: Yes indeed we are.
They draw some GUNS.
ALL: Ah, shite.
CONQUEROR #1: There is also a BOMB on this bus, which will EXPLODE if nothing else interesting is happening just to keep this fanfic going.
LUCIFER: Before we engage in the following parody, I did NOT nick this off Rod Hilton. I thought this up while watching the film. No, really. Tiny minds and great ones appear to think alike.
DMAGIC: Duh?
ALL: What?
SUDDENLY, a RANDOM PASSENGER pulls off his mask to reveal SLATER! SLATER pulls off his mask to reveal DEANNA! CONQUEROR #1 pulls off his mask to reveal NICK! NICK pulls off his mask to reveal A PACKET OF CRISPS! ANOTHER PASSENGER pulls off his mask to reveal ANOTHER CONQUEROR! ARON pulls off his mask to reveal CFL! OMEGA pulls off his mask to reveal GENERAL THADE!
CRANKYLAND: Yeah, we knew that last one already.
LUCIFER (pulling off Lucifer mask): Then who the hell was the first Deanna?
THE FIRST DMAGIC pulls off her mask to reveal TOM CRUISE!
ALL: Oh, Christ…
TOM CRUISE pulls off his mask to reveal KEANU REEVES!
ALL: That’s even worse!
KEANU: Yeah, well I’m taller!
He is EATEN HORRIBLY by NYARLATHOTEP. He DIES IN AGONY. This is exactly what he DESERVES.
SUDDENLY, the bus does something. This is very BAD, especially in that I can’t think of ANYTHING bad that could happen to a bus…Wait…
SUDDENLY, the bus collides with a WRITER’S BLOCK, which KILLS the driver. SLATER takes the wheel and swears at the bus a lot. They crash into stuff and knock over some other stuff, and hit some cars which inexplicably EXPLODE.
CONQUEROR #1: You will head for the warehouse on the edge of town where my evil master hangs out because he’s sad and crap and far too right-wing to actually speak to another human being. He is one of L-S’s evil Generals.
WULFGAR suddenly pulls out his SAMURAI CABER and hacks CONQUEROR #1 to death. CONQUEROR #2 tries to shoot him, but unfortunately NICK kicks him up the arse, mistaking him for someone who asked the FORBIDDEN QUESTION. A FIGHT SCENE breaks out.
CONQUEROR #2 drops his gun, which promptly slides the entire length of the bus because it must bounce off something before that shot ends, and preferably spin around because of this. GWEN shows off her hitherto-unknown AWESOME MARTIAL ARTS SKILLS, and kicks the SHITE out of CONQUEROR #2. He responds by summoning several OTHER CONQUEROR HANDLES!
GWEN: Shit.
SUDDENLY, with a war-cry of ‘FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!’ RETARD_IN_THE_THEATER dives through the window and kills the CONQUERORS with SKITTLES and FISH.
RITT: I hav sayved u BA-A-A-ADD GWENNLE, an your HOO-OO-OO- OOOTERRRS!!!!!!!
He HAS.
SUDDENLY, the bus crashes into some other stuff.
SLATER: Great shitwanking fuckhandles!
LUCIFER has a PLAN. He UNSCREWS the bus’ floor and looks for the bomb. It’s not there.
LUCIFER: What? Detective Badgwendel, search the bus a lot!
SOME TIME LATER…
GWEN: No, no bomb at all.
CONQUEROR #1’S CORPSE: Fuck, knew I’d forgotten something.
The bus stops near the WAREHOUSE. Everyone gets out.
MEANWHILE…™
INT. DULL CASTLE’S DUNGEON
The Madman’s theme from DESERT STRIKE plays again.
L-S is GLOATING to SKILLY.
SKILLY: Aren’t you going to kill me, or something?
L-S: Never! I am a stereotypical villain! You are female, and therefore I must explain all my plans to you and then leave you somewhere where you can easily be rescued!
SKILLY (bored as hell): What are they, then?
L-S: Soon my BORING MACHINE will be complete…
CUT TO: THE BORING MACHINE.
It is huge, with pipes, dry ice, pistons, computer screens and lots of Etc.
BACK TO: DUNGEON
L-S: …And then I shall send my army of Conquerors out to kill Mr. Cranky! Then I shall take his place and install the Boring Machine! It will filter all the posts and cut out all the interesting ones! Ha ha ha! I have already set plans in motion…My SECRET FACTORY is ready to begin producing clones of my ideal Crankylander, one who is neither interesting nor funny, ever! They will be my master race!
SKILLY: You mad fiend!
L-S: I SHALL RULE! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
INT. WAREHOUSE
Everyone walks into the warehouse. All manner of machinery lines the walls; glass tanks, beeping things, more dry ice, the works.
SUDDENLY, SLATER talks normally.
SLATER: Cocksucking motherfucking Christ on a stick!
Everyone looks where he is pointing.
GWEN: No…
LUCIFER: It can’t be…
Along one wall is a line of glass cylinders. In each is a clone of HOLLYWOODSTALKER. This is HORRIBLE.
BLOKE OFF HOUSE OF THE DEAD: How could anyone do this?
He is SHOT. Everyone dives for cover.
IRON_HITMAN: Aha! I am currently Conqueror! I was aiming for the cat! With a nice sniper rifle!
LUCIFER draws a PSG-1 from his starboard pocket and returns fire, BUT TO NO AVAIL.
OTHER CONQUERORS attack WULFGAR, who responds by BRAINING them with a HAGGIS.
A stray shot hits a nearby gas tank, which dutifully EXPLODES. The computers malfunction and the HOLLYWOODSTALKERS wake up.
CLONES: Must…post…shite…for…our…master…
SLATER: Cuntshitting cockfaced fuck with wheels on!
He draws a ROCKET LAUNCHER.
SLATER: Fuck that.
He draws a STAR DESTROYER.
SLATER: Ha ha! Now I can sink all your Star Submarines, motherfuckers! With space depth-charges, presumably!
He does this.
CLONES: Ah, dammit. you’r mother’s a poser!
IRON_HITMAN is knocked out by a well-aimed KILLERSHEEP.
PSYCHORABBIT: And let that be a lesson to you, you open handle!
There is a loud clanking, then a huge crash. Then some muffled curses, a clanking that fades a little, then one that approaches, then another huge crash.
A PANZER TANK crashes through a nearby wall. It looks very much like it tried to ram a wall that was too thick first. It aims its cannon directly at our heroes. OMEGA opens the hatch.
OMEGA: This is Raven’s territory…No, hang on, it belongs to me and Hitler. Hands up!
ALL: FUCK!
To be continued…
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