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The next morning, MR CRANKY is found dead. THE CRANKYLAND TALIBAN immediately declare war on everyone.
ALL: War! Aaaah! The horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror, the horror.
LUCIFER: Everyone climb into this handy Supercruiser. Then we can head for L-S’ evil lair.
SLATER: Where the hell does a private detective get a warship from?
LUCIFER: I bought a Plot Device last weekend.
SLATER: Oh. Assclown.
Everyone climbs aboard.
INT. L-SS TEDIOUS
L-S is talking to the captain of the L-SS Tedious, Admiral X-MAN.
L-S: Do not fail me, X-Man. You are all the protects Dull Castle now.
X-MAN: I won’t let you down, sir!
L-S: That was almost intelligible…BAD X-Man!
X-MAN hangs his head in SHAME.
INT. SUPERCRUISER RITSUKO
Many CRANKYLANDERS watch as an UNNECESSARY EVA REFERENCE flies over their heads.
They punch LUCIFER because he is an IDIOT.
LUCIFER: Arrgh! Right, now let’s plot a course to intercept the L-SS Tedious! Watch out for this thick fog, and other such plot contrivances.
SUDDENLY, the SUPERCRUISER crashes into the L-SS TEDIOUS. Everyone falls over in an unfunny slapstick fashion.
ALL: Arrgh!
BLACKBEARD: Aarrr, mateys, where’s yer sea legs? Let’s get that scurvy dog and keel-haul the landlubber! Come on, me hearties!
Everyone climbs over to the L-SS TEDIOUS.
CUT TO: L-SS TEDIOUS’ BRIDGE
X-MAN: It’s all going according to plan, your evilness…
L-S: Excellent.
X-MAN: …Err, except that they’ve got a mile-long battleship and rammed us. Good thing they forgot to fire at us.
VOICE SOMEWHERE BELOW: Yeah…Why DIDN’T we fire at him? Was there a reason?
ANOTHER VOICE: Oops.
From below can be heard the sound of LUCIFER being punched because he is an IDIOT.
L-S: Well, order grundle to stop him!
X-MAN: SIR!
BACK TO: THE DECK
Nobody’s there.
ALL: Down here, stupid.
CUT TO: THE HOLD
Damn. SUDDENLY, A MAN leaps out at our heroes from behind some crates. He is carrying a NUCLEAR WEAPON, and FOAMING at the mouth.
CAPTION: ‘LUDICROUS LIBERTARIAN GRUNDLE’
GRUNDLE (twitching): This nuclear weapon is for my own personal defence! Haha! And it will also prevent the Holocaust! And cure cancer! And freshen my breath! http://www.irrelevantlink.com! Haha! All statistics are true! ALL of them!
SAVAGEWOMBAT: But there are huge, horrible holes in your argument!
CONVENOR drives SLATER’S star destroyer through them.
GRUNDLE: Shit! I’ll have to keep repeating the same thing over and over in the hope that it becomes true!
It DOESN’T.
GRUNDLE: Fuck! Err…(emotive argument)
ALL: Shut up, grundle.
Some CONQUERORS attack.
WULFAGR: Let’s see what you do about my PHASED PARTICLE BEAM SPORRAN!
CONQUERORS: Oh bugger.
They are all KILLED.
GRUNDLE: No, it can’t be! Guns don’t kill people! My statistics say so…Arrgh!
The idea that STATISTICS can be WRONG proves too much for him, and his head EXPLODES.
There is a loud crash.
SLATER: Oh fuckstranglers.
During the fight, a stray shot damaged some gears. Now the ships is SINKING.
ALL: Crap cakes!
They all run up on deck.
EXT. DECK
CELINE DION: Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou’re heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere…
SLATER throws her overboard.
ALL: YES!
X-MAN: Not so fast! You’re going to pay for sinking my ship!
LUCIFER: How much?
X-MAN: Err…Fifteen quid?
LUCIFER: I’ve only got five on me at the moment.
X-MAN: Then you must die! At least slightly.
X-MAN gets out his GUN.
X-MAN: Ha ha! You will all be destroyed, then I will walk down this 6’8” tunnel I’m standing in…Hang on, 6’8” is 80 inches…Oh FUCK.
LUCIFER: FIRE!
The 80-inch gun fires and OBLITERATES X-MAN.
LUCIFER: Right. Let’s head for L-S’ evil castle.
EXT. DULL CASTLE
L-S is speaking to his huge army of CONQUEROR HANDLES.
L-S: Men, this is the final battle. In a few short hours, every Crankylander who is any good will descend upon us to exact a horrible pointy revenge for the death of Mr Cranky. We must stop them.
CONQUERORS: SIR YES SIR!
L-S: Now, man your positions and so on.
CONQUERORS: SIR!
EXT. BEACH
The SUPERCRUISER drops anchor and hundreds of landing craft head for the beach. This is odd, since it DOESN’T CARRY landing craft.
SUDDENLY, the CONQUEROR HANDLE ARMY appears and starts firing. Some RANDOM CRANKYLANDERS are KILLED.
PSYCHORABBIT gets his arm blown off. He picks it off, then casually strolls out-of-shot to a handy coffee machine.
GWEN is surrounded, even her Diet Coke proving ineffective against the CONQUEROR ARMY.
SUDDENLY, LUCIFER runs over the CONQUERORS in his ARMOURED HOUSE. Those that remain are EATEN by NYARLATHOTEP.
GWEN: Are you following me around, or something?
NYARLATHOTEP shrugs.
NYARLATHOTEP: Well, everyone needs a hobby.
LUCIFER: Quick, get in!
GWEN DOES.
LUCIFER: This is too much! Only the WRATH_OF_DOG can save us now!
He picks up a microphone.
LUCIFER: Activate the Other Thing!
CUT TO: THE OTHER THING, THE ONE THAT PSEU MENTIONED AGES AGO
It is the ZEUS CANNON from FINAL FANTASY.
INT. ZEUS CANNON (I know. I just like writing that, ok?)
WRATH_OF_DOG is sitting in the commander’s chair, dressed as GENERAL HEIN.
WOD: (on phone): Yes sir. Very well.
He turns to his RANDOM TECHNICIANS.
WOD: Master arm.
TECH: Sir?
WOD: Hurry up. I’ve been wanting to do this for ages.
The TECH flips a switch. Banks of computers hum into life.
WOD: Lock onto the greatest source of boredom on Earth!
TECH: Sir, there are two sources giving off incredible boredom.
WOD: Fire at the first!
TECH: Yes sir!
INT. SLATER’S COMMAND POST
RANDOM SOLDIER: Sir! They’ve taken out Kansas!
SLATER: Sweet buttered Christ, my Playstation 2!
RANDOM SOLDIER: Sir, everything in Kansas is gone! Gone!
SLATER: I said ‘Sweet buttered Christ, my Playstation 2.’ Assclown.
MEANWHILE, most of the remaining CRANKYLANDERS are stuck at the gates to DULL CASTLE. They are facing hundreds of CONQUERORS.
VIOLET: Shit. We appear to be doomed.
WULFGAR draws his KAMIKAZE PUMP-ACTION PLASMA BAGPIPES OF DOOM.
WULFGAR: Let’s go down fighting, and other such military clichés.
LORD_COCKWHEATICUS (drawing a rapier): Have at you, you bounders! Let’s see how you ruffians like the taste of stereotypical British steel!
BLACKBEARD draws his CUTLASS.
BLACKBEARD: Aharrr, mateys! Where’s yer fightin’ spirit? It’s time to play a little gamblin’ game! First one to die, loses! Aaarrr!
They rush forward, and the image freezes and zooms out, like at the end of BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, and for much the same reason.
To be continued…
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