Darkness Falls

Bomb Rating: 

I have a suggestion for director Jonathan Liebesman and the rest of the "Darkness Falls" crew as they make their way back to horror film class: Get a brain transplant while you're at it. Why is the only requirement for a horror film a body count? Script? Dialogue? Common sense? Does anybody think about any of these things while making a horror film? How about a scary villain? I know, let's stick a mask on something. Oooh, a mask. That's scary. Believe it or not, this film actually has an opening that's almost tolerable given that the general creativity of most horror films approaches the level of a monkey with a crayon in its rectum.

The opening tells the myth of the town of Darkness Falls: An old lady living in the 19th century got caught in a fire and had to wear a mask to cover up her hideousness. After two kids disappeared, the townspeople, fearing the woman's hideousness, hanged her as the likely culprit since, as we all know, people who wear masks are often serial killers. Unfortunately, the kids turned up the next day. This gave the woman's ghost the excuse she needed to start terrorizing the town, stealing kids away shortly after their last baby teeth fell out.

So in this little town, instead of dropping a quarter under your pillow, the tooth fairy drops a whoopin' on your ass. Despite the prevalence of the tooth fairy, poor, tortured Kyle Walsh (Chaney Kley) appears to be the only one with any insight into the fairy's true nature. Kyle returns to town when Caitlin Greene's (Emma Caufield) younger brother starts having the same night terrors Kyle had as a kid.

Here's what Kyle knows: Stay in the light. This is not a particularly complicated bit of direction nor is it very hard to follow. It's also supported in the movie by examples of trial and terror. One guy doesn't stay in the light. He dies. Of the numerous witnesses to these two events, only Kyle and his friends manage to conclude they're connected.

The tooth fairy only kills in the dark. Of course, if this were actually true, we'd never really see anything, so there's actually a little light. It's never clear what the tooth fairy will put up with, but it seems to me that if you're holding a pen light, she's going to rip you to shreds. It's only when Kyle and Caitlin get to a lighthouse that any real damage is done to the ghost. Nevertheless, Kyle does seem to survive for many years carrying flashlights everywhere.

After the opening scene, "Darkness Falls" swirls into the abyss so quickly that you'll swear the entire theater is one big toilet and the audience members are but little poos, swimming helplessly for their lives.

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