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My official review of "Darkness Falls" (it was the only one I wrote this week so apparently I put more comedic effort into it than most reviews lately):
Darkness Falls: 1/10
Stars: Chaney Kley, Emma Caufield, Andrew Bayly, Antony Burrows, Lee Cormie, Grant Piro, Joshua Anderson, Emily Browning
I could have sworn there was some sort of law against doing a remake of any movie, much less a really bad movie, less than three months after the release of the original. And if there isn't, then we need to have a talk with our congressmen, because this type of Hollywood excess is as unnecessary as an NFL player doing the Macarena in the end zone after scoring a touchdown. "Darkness Falls" is almost exactly the same movie as the Thanksgiving 2002 bomb "They," except the new movie throws in some sort of ridiculous Tooth Fairy connection that ends up having no importance to the story whatsoever.
Both movies are about people who are haunted by murderous night terrors which will certainly kill them if they ever find themselves in the dark. Flashlights and candles are the primary props of both flicks, and, of course, nobody believes any of the characters who are afflicted with this "disease."
In the case of Kyle Walsh (played by some "actor" named Chaney Kley), the Tooth Fairy is behind his night terrors. Apparently the Tooth Fairy was some old woman who lived in his town of Darkness Falls ("clever") hundreds of years before that swore revenge on the town's children after they mistakenly executed her for murders she not only didn't commit but never even happened. So in modern times, anytime a kid loses his last tooth, the Tooth Fairy attempts to pick up the rest of his body as well. I don't quite understand the rules that dictates which ones she attacks and which ones she doesn't, but if she attacks and you somehow manage to escape like Kyle did, you can never be in the dark again. Now he's returning home to save the young son (Lee Cormie) of his ex-girlfriend (Emma Caufield) of the same bad experiences he's been having.
This movie is so chockfull of horribly bad acting, buffoonish dialogue and really lame attempts at making you jump out of your seat that I actually felt sad about the direction that humanity has taken. Certainly it wants to be the next "Ring," but this movie won't even be liked as much as ring-around-the-collar. The only thing that saved "Darkness Falls" from getting the first zero of 2003 was a couple of good jokes that appeared to be the writer acknowledging that he had produced something so cheesy that it would make a good pizza topping. Now if only he had acknowledged that he ripped off "They," and furthermore, that he was a complete moron for ripping off a movie that made almost no money. The only darkness falling here is that over the careers of all the writers, actors and director involved.
And not that I have to tell you this, but your time this weekend would be far better spent in front of a TV set watching all the thousands of Super Bowl specials (not to mention the Super Bowl itself) than tossing away seven or eight hard-earned dollars on what is so far the worst film of 2003.
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