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Hiccup Girl Saga
***
"Hiccup Girl"
*Hic*
*Hic*
*Hic*
*
All day long
Hiccup after hiccup
At first it was cute
Now I just feel sorry for her
*
I once knew a girl that had a blinking problem
She'd blink all the time
Her eyes slamming shut with force
Obviously, she couldn't help it
*
Such strange phenomena
Hiccup problems
Blinking problems
I suppose we all got problems
Hopefully nobody notices mine
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 2)"
Today I had to train Hiccup Girl
Teaching her how to use a computer program
Spending the day watching her
Making sure she understands it
Confirming that she is using it correctly
*
While training her she had a hiccup attack
After about 30 of her hiccups I finally said:
"You sure do hiccup a lot!"
She frowned
"I can't help it"
I tried to salvage myself
"Oh, I think it's cute!"
She must not agree cause she didn't respond
*
After a couple hiccup-free hours she had another attack
Hiccup after hiccup
About 20 within 5 minutes!
*
I tried to be more polite with my tone of voice this time
"Have you always had reoccurring hiccups?"
"No, they started happening about two years ago"
"Have you ever gone to a doctor for them?"
"No"
"Um, so, uh, they don't bother you?"
"No, but they seem to bother everyone else..."
"Hey, I already told you I think they're cute!"
Again, she had nothing to say to that
*
Hiccup Girl seems pretty cool
She is nice and friendly
A good hard worker too
Just don't ask her about her hiccups
She doesn't think they're worth talking about
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 3)"
As I trained Hiccup Girl we had a few nice conversations
Got to know each other a little better
Nothing too personal
Honest chit chat
I didn't say anything stupid
Except when I tried to relate to her hiccup problem
*
"It's ok that you hiccup all the time!" I said
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that it isn't something to be ashamed of"
"I'm not ashamed" she said forcefully
"Er, I'm just saying that it's no big deal"
"Ok, thanks" she said, softly
"Yeah, I fart all the time and I sometimes I can't stop!"
*
She forced a laugh but I knew she didn't think it was funny
I didn't know what else to say though
I just wanted to relate to her somehow
I figured my farting-frenzies would be comparable
I guess I was wrong
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 4)"
After I finished
training Hiccup Girl
a few co-workers started
giving me weird looks.
*
One lady said "Hey
Jason, I bet she's single,"
and grinned at me as if
I had been hitting
on Hiccup Girl.
*
"Aw c'mon..." I said,
cause my Flato-charm
was not even turned
on at all, I was
just being friendly
with Hiccup Girl.
*
Then this other lady
walked by and said
just about the same
thing and so I started
to wonder if my normal
Flato-friendliness comes
off as flirting or if
I was truly flirting
with Hiccup Girl all
along and unconscious
of my intentions.
*
I am not particularly
attracted to Hiccup Girl
but I do think she's
pretty and has a nice
body and if she asked
me on a date I would
most likely say "YES!"
but I would not make
the first move nor
do I think of her
as someone I want
to date though this
has nothing to do
with her hiccuping
problem since I really
do think it's quite
adorable and cute.
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 5)"
Bad girl
Bad Hiccup Girl!
*
You had work to do
You did not do it
Pee Girl comes to me like it's my fault
Bitches me out
Other co-workers come to my defense
"Jason was not even here!"
*
Hiccup Girl needs to learn responsibility
Do the work Hiccup Girl!
It is not hard
If you have problems just ask around
People are willing to help
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 6)"
Hiccup Girl has not done her work yet
I'm not taking the fall for this
*
If Pee Girl comes over here
I will tell her to beat it
It is not my job to order others around
Yes, I am aware of work
Yes I should probably tell Hiccup Girl
"Hiccup Girl, you must be blind not to see that pile of work!"
"Sorry Jason, my hiccups cause me to have blurry vision"
"That is a good excuse Hiccup Girl!"
*
Good excuses only get you so far
It is only a matter of time before Pee Girl blames me for this
If Pee Girl was smart she would tell Hiccup Girl to do work on time
Why come to me?
I am the Flato-Man
A simple man
Not someone who likes to order other co-workers around
Besides, that's not cool
And it's no way to make friends
*
Hiccup Girl, do the damn work
Do it now
Do it before Pee Girl takes it out on my Flato-ass
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 7)"
She finally started on the work
Hiccup Girl is becoming a better worker?
Time will tell
*
She still needs to be more careful though
I don't think she'll have enough time to finish today's work
Which means Pee Girl might bitch me out tomorrow
I don't have the patience for this shit
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 8)"
She's learning
Slowly but surely
*
Today Hiccup Girl started on her work early
Good job Hiccup Girl!
*
She had a question and she came to me for help
Good job Hiccup Girl!
*
Then she asked me on a date
Good job Hiccup Girl!
*
Uh, she did not actually ask me on a date
But it would be good if she did!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 9)"
Ha ha ha!
HA HA HA HA!
*
Hiccup Girl is going tanning after work
Tanning!
Hiccup Girl, you need to spend free time more wisely
Find a cure for hiccups!
It is a curse about your soul
Hiccup hiccup hiccup!
All the time!
*
I think the hiccups are cute
Hmmm, I wonder if they'll be cute after a few months
No, I will probably want to crush you!
*
Do not go tanning
Join 'Hiccuppers Anonymous' or 'Hiccuppers For Peace'
If nothing else, get drunk
Afterall, it is Friday!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 10)"
She's gone
Absent, I should say
Not here
Away
Somewhere else
Unaccounted for
*
It's a little more quiet
Hiccups don't fill the air
It's an eerie silence
An uncomfortable calm
*
I've grown accustomed to the hiccups
Even more so, they are part of the work atmosphere
*
Hiccup Girl, I hope you return tomorrow
I can't last much longer without you
Without you
You and your hiccups
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 11)"
Yesterday Hiccup Girl loaned me a quarter
She helped me buy a can of Mountain Dew
Thanks Hiccup Girl!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 12)"
Hiccup Girl is alright
Yesterday she loaned me a quarter
Today she gave me a cookie!
*
Pre-judging someone usually is a good idea
Like, you cannot usually trust one who hiccups a lot
But I was wrong about Hiccup Girl
She is nice
She is cool
She is ok after all
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 13)"
Hiccup Girl is strange
Nothing she says makes sense to me
She always states random facts
Asks pointless questions
Bugs me when I am trying to write poems
*
I haven't heard her hiccup today though
I think it's a new record
2 straight hours without a single hiccup
She's made up for it with her vocal chords
"Jason, I know what I was doing a year ago from today"
"Really?"
"Yes. Do you think that's weird?"
"Well Hiccup Girl, it's not so much weird as it is pathetic"
"What do you mean?"
"Ah, well it's only pathetic if you're doing the same damn thing"
*
Hiccup Girl is still young
She cannot relate to my pain
Every year of her life brings joy
New discoveries
Hope
Not for me
A year ago today I was working at this same job
Doing the same dumb work
I am in the same spot I was a year ago
*
I need out
I need a change
I need to move
A year from now I do not want to be here
A year from now I will be in a happier place
I will not be so pathetic
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 14)"
New Guy never caused me this much anguish
No way
Not even close
*
Hiccup Girl is the new source of my pain
Hiccuping non-stop
Asking dum questions
Ah, just 10 minutes ago she rambled on and on about pizza
"Jason what are you doing?"
"I am going to smoke"
"Smoking is bad for you"
"Hiccup Girl, I know"
"I am going to go eat pizza"
"Ok"
"I don't like meat on my pizza"
"How come?"
"I don't know, but it doesn't mean I'm a vegetarian"
"Of course not"
"Yeah but everyone thinks I'm a vegetarian"
"Cause you don't like meat on your pizza?"
"Yeah. But I love sausage too much to be a vegetarian"
"Ok"
*
Yeah, that's pretty much how all the conversations go
They go nowhere
Somehow she manages to keep talking
I struggle to find words that satisfy her
My head is tired of nodding all the time
Problem is Hiccup Girl is nice
She doesn't deserve to be slapped
Or beaten
Or eaten
I can't tell her to shut up either
She's not all that bad
She's just annoying
And she hiccups all the time
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 14)"
I can hear her voice
Yapping over the ambient hum of the office
Her words bounce off the walls
Blah blah blah
There is no escape
*
*Ding!*
I have a plan
I turn up the volume on my radio
Hoping the music in my headphones will block her out
A faint howl stills hangs in the distance
Then an obnoxious hiccup blasts through the music
She's in my head again
Damn you Hiccup Girl!
Damn you!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 15)"
More questions
Questions questions questions
I can't take it any longer
*
And those hiccups
Hiccup hiccup hiccup
Somebody save me
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 16)"
It's time to unite
Gather our forces
Expell the evil
Drive out the transgressors
Keep our homes safe
*
In other words
Everyone here hates Hiccup Girl
We have decided to shut her up
One of us has already complained to a supervisor
Don't get me wrong
I am far more crude and crass and offensive than Hiccup Girl
She is just annoying
I could just as easily be repremanded
Especially for showing off the penis/nuts picture
However
People like me
People hate Hiccup Girl
*
She is nothing more than an annoyance
Her words are not truly offensive
She's a harmless little girl afterall
The goal is to get her to shut up
We just need a reason for her to be disapplined into solidarity
We have united
A common goal
A mission
A plan
Now if we could only find a way to stop those hiccups
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 17)"
Hiccup Girl is obsessed
Obsessed with my desire to be homeless
*
She uses it against me
Like when I jokingly resist letting another co-worker borrow a pen
Hiccup Girl jumps into the conversation
"Jason what do you care?"
"Wha-"
"If you want to be homeless you should get used to not having things"
"Yes Hiccup Girl but-"
"So this will be good practice for you"
"No Hiccup Girl, I will leave society cold turkey"
*
I don't explain things further
She is not worth my time
If she wants to understand me she should just observe me
Watch me
I don't mind that
But stop asking me so many questions
Stop butting into my conversations
And dammmit, stop hiccuping!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 18)"
You might think I'm overly obsessed with Hiccup Girl
You might think she's not that bad
You might think hiccups are cute
You are dead wrong
Try to imagine a day full of hiccups
Loud, chirping hiccups
All day
All fuckin' day
*
Sometimes I get headaches
Othertimes I want to kill myself
"Hiccup hiccup hiccup hiccup hiccup"
Man, I don't care if she can't help it
They need to stop
It's either me or her
I can't stand this much longer
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 19)"
Shut up Hiccup Girl
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Shut up
Shut the fuck up!
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 20)"
Hip hop hooray!
Yes!
Hazaah!
L'Chaim!
Yay!
Hoo hoo hoo!
*
Hiccup Girl is not here today!
I don't know where she is
I don't really care
All I know is she's not here
*
An hour ago someone asked where she was
"Hiccup Girl has the day off," I explained
Everyone let out cheers of joy!
*
After we settled down we started to make fun of Hiccup Girl
We covered all the bases:
Her loud mouth
Her tendency to butt-in to every conversation
Her hiccuping problem
It looks like we all hate her equally!
*
I'm sure Hiccup Girl will return on Monday
For now I am trying to not take this day for granted
It is rare that she is gone
I can work in peace
No hiccups will break my concentration
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 21)"
Before the meeting started
Hiccup Girl let out one of her
loudest hiccups ever and my
boss made a funny joke,
asking her if she had drank
tequila before she had come in
to work this morning and Hiccup
Girl replied with something stupid.
*
My boss is amused with her
hiccups because he does not
sit next to her for 8 hours a day
and is probably unaware of her
annoying hiccuping disease.
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 22)"
Hiccup Girl started the day on a good note
She didn't say much of anything!
Unfortunately around noon she started to bust out
My headphones were cranking
I could still hear Hiccup Girl's voice
*
An hour ago she gave us all a sermon
Well, not all of us
Just the smokers
She told us how bad it is for us
She went into graphic detail
Explaining how we'll get all wrinkles
Our lungs will turn black
We'll get cancer and die
Smokers have heard this a million times
Hiccup Girl was preaching like we did not know!
*
One person reacted angrily
I was more polite
"So Jason, why do you smoke?" Hiccup Girl asked
"Hiccup Girl, if I do not smoke I get all nervous"
"That's not a good enough reason"
"Hiccup Girl, when I get nervous I have the tendency to kill people"
*
For a moment she held her breath
Then she let out a nervous laugh
"Hiccup Girl, what's wrong? Do you need a cigarette?"
"No, I am fine"
*
Hiccup Girl needs to start smoking
Only then will she understand the cravings
And she had better hope I never quit
She is number one on my hit list
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 23)"
I wrote Hiccup Girl an e-mail
I try to keep my distance from her
E-mail is a good way of maintaining a safe amount of space
*
My e-mail was one sentence long
It asked a "yes or no" question
She should have replied via e-mail
It would have taken her 2 seconds
*
Instead, Hiccup Girl came over to my desk
She told me the answer to my question ("yes")
Then she told me that I have been spelling her name wrong
Sorry Hiccup Girl!
Is it "Hicup Girl?"
Perhaps "Hiccupp Girl?"
Maybe even "Hickup Girl?"
I don't know, you tell me!
*
She gave me the proper spelling
I don't really like how it looks
I will continue to spell it my way
My way appeals to the eye
Isn't that what life's all about?
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 24)"
She hasn't been bothering me as much
Hasn't been asking as many dum questions
Don't get me wrong
She still hiccups constantly
In fact, last week a co-worker suggested she had Tourette's syndrome
I doubt she has that
More than likely she is just possessed by the devil
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 25)"
"Do you think eating duck is weird?"
It is these kinds of questions that annoy me
They come out of nowhere
As if I can read her mind
"No Hiccup Girl, it is a good animal to eat"
"That's what I say"
"Ok good, I am glad we agree"
*
Hiccup girl then proceeded to stare at me
I played along
"So, why do you ask?"
Hiccup Girl's eyes lit up
"My friend thinks it's weird to eat duck at Christmas!"
I sighed
"Hiccup Girl, Christmas is pretty weird to me, with or without a duck!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot."
*
Christmas doesn't make any sense to me
Eating a duck won't make it any better
Maybe if you took away the old fat guy
And the elves
The flying reindeer
The presents
The decorated tree
Maybe then it would make more sense
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 26)"
A moment of guilt just ran through my body
I feel - -
I feel bad
*
Hiccup Girl just hiccuped
A co-worker walked by
The co-worker does not sit by Hiccup Girl
Does not know about the hiccup problem
"Got the hiccups?" the co-worker asked
"Always," Hiccup Girl answered
*
Hiccup Girl's voice resonated with pain
Like she was ashamed
As if she had been cursed
*
Oh Hiccup Girl, I am sorry
What must you have done in your past life to deserve this?
Your fate seems so unfair
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 27)"
Sometimes when Hiccup Girl laughs it sounds like she is crying
It's one of the strangest things I've ever heard
She actually weep-laughs
*
Last week is when I first started to notice this strange phenomenon
I could hear her "crying" over the top of my music
I was sure she was crying
So sure I was afraid to turn around
I didn't know what was wrong
I wasn't sure why she was crying
*
After a few more minutes of random weeps my curiosity overwhelmed me
I quickly jerked around
I caught a glimpse of Hiccup Girl in the corner of my eye
Listening to her music
Typing on her computer
Smiling!
*
She was smiling?
That just didn't make any sense
I wondered if she was one of those girls that cries when she's really happy
I looked back again, trying not to be so obvious
There were no tears!
What the heck was going on?
*
Hiccup Girl has had a few more outbursts like that since then
I don't bother to turn around anymore
She's a weirdo
A girl with a hiccuping disease and an inverse laugh
Yeah, what a weirdo
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 28)"
Hiccup Girl came over to my desk
"Jason, are you good at pulling things out?"
"Well I've only gotten one girl pregnant so I think the answer is yes!"
She did not understand joke
"Uh, ok, um, can you come over to my desk then?"
"Hiccup Girl, I am not going to be pushing or pulling anything out of you!"
"No Jason, I just need your help"
"Ok"
*
I trotted over to Hiccup Girl's Desk
"What's the prob- holy jeez!"
Her Harry Potter tape had been eaten by her tape player
"Hiccup Girl, that doesn't look good"
"I know; so can you fix it?"
"Let me see"
*
I tried a few things
I didn't want to destroy her tape so I didn't yank on anything too hard
Eventually I gave up
"Sorry Hiccup Girl, I do not know how to solve this problem"
"It's ok, thanks for the help"
"No problem Hiccup Girl"
*
Normally I would have purposefully destroyed her tape
However, today Hiccup Girl greeted me this morning with a nice "hello"
It was genuine and sincere
Her voice brought me peace of mind
So today I dedicate myself to Hiccup Girl
If she has a problem I will gladly come to her aid
I will not complain
I will not moan or whine
Hiccup Girl, I am at your service
Just ask and I will be there to help
***
"Hiccup Girl (part 29)"
Aside from the times when she
has walked right passed me
and hiccuped right in my ear
and blown my eardrum out I don't
see much of Hiccup Girl anymore.
*
They've moved us all around,
we've got a new seating arrangement
and Hiccup Girl is sitting far
across the room and her
hiccups barely trickle through the
office air enough to reach my ears.
*
My ears still ring from months of
hiccuping torture so I welcome
this new era of hiccup-free working,
one where I can come into work
without fear of the constant barrage of
annoying questions and piercing hiccups.
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