Don't Drink and Vote

There's been a lot of vitriol hurled at both Democrats and Republicans this election, but I'd like to focus on one party that has, until this point, largely escaped some richly deserved criticism.

The voters.

That's right, the precious American voters: Sacred stewards of democracy. You don't have to spin around in an election cycle for long to discover that a shocking number of voters are in fact gullible, greedy, oblivious to facts, or simply fundamentally retarded. However, three types of voters deserve special mention for taking their constitutionally guaranteed right to vote, and essentially wiping their ass with it.

Let's start with the undecideds. This is an election where the differences between the candidates are starker than the differences between God and Satan, and the country as a whole is divided by an ideological chasm more obvious than Rick Hilton's failure as a parent. If you can't make up your mind, you're likely locked in a closet or so thunderously stupid that you're unable to successfully put your shoes on in the morning.

Memo to undecided voters: What the fuck are you waiting for? What more information could you possibly need? You probably go catatonic when they ask you "paper or plastic" at the supermarket. When they ask "soup or salad" I bet you flee the restaurant. If I gave you a choice between a nice piece of pie or having your forcibly-held-open eyeballs attacked by swarms of killer bees, I bet you'd take a week to think about it. This, by the way, is why you can't get laid. Which hints at the truth of the issue: Most undecided voters are just coy attention whores stringing us the rest of us along so they can soak up some media spotlight.

The second type of voter that abuses the privilege is the prima donna. Prima donnas are the voters who disdainfully declare that "none of the above" is worthy of their gilded vote, or that they're simply "disgusted with the process." These voters are like customers in a fine restaurant who keep sending the wine back for not being piquant enough. While they sip from a glass of aged Nader, they're laughing down their noses at the ignorant masses in the beer garden dueling over the merits of Kerry and Bush. In most elections, the prima donnas are but a peripheral annoyance -- fine, they're above the rest of the voters, we get it. But after their elitist temper tantrum actually had an effect on the outcome in 2000, we can go ahead and call them what they are: assholes.

What's worse is when this attitude extends to institutions that should know better. Two newspapers, the Detroit News and the New Orleans Times-Picayune, have haughtily refused to endorse either candidate. Let me just take a moment to say this to the editorial boards of these two newspapers: You are gutless, shiftless, hapless cowards. Weighing the facts and recommending a candidate is your fucking job. In this case, it's a job you only have to do once every four years. When confronted with one of the most important elections in modern history, you backed away and "took a pass" on an endorsement. You're pathetic, you're failures, and you should quit your crappy $14,000/year print journalism jobs and do something useful for society, like pick up litter around the city, or give blowjobs for cash down at the bus station. Then maybe you can write an opinion piece about hobo jizz.

Finally, I'd like to offer a few choice words for the most egregious offenders of all: The non-voters. If, in an election like this, you can't be bothered to pry your fat ass from the couch and waddle down to the local election booth to stain a ballot with orange fingerprints from your Cheetos-dust-covered sausage-like fingers, then fuck you. I hope the first thing the winning candidate does is pluck you from your life's work of watching Dr. Phil reruns and send your ass straight to Iraq where your job title will be "kidnapping bait" because you're too fat to behead.

We're participants in the democratic process, not consumers of it. As voters, we need to wake up, pay attention and get our shit together, because in the end we're going to get the government we deserve.


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