Dr. Dolittle

Bomb Rating: 

Pants wet with the comprehension of mutual understanding, the executives suddenly stood tall and began chanting their new mantra: "More talking animals! More talking animals!"

Lamenting their recent failure to challenge Walt Disney's animation empire by molesting Russian history with "Anastasia," word has it that despondent Twentieth Century Fox executives had gathered to conduct the traditional throat-slitting ceremony when they were interrupted by a noisy herd of jabbering computer animators from the windowless labs downstairs. The geeks had news; big news: in fact, news so shocking, so dramatic and of such profound effect that it reportedly caused the first-ever (look it up in the Guiness Book of World Records) male multiple-multiple orgasm. It went something like this:

Just as the thirty-something executives were about to sodomize an effigy of Michael Eisner, the unsuspecting animators walked in and explained that they had discovered a way to take a load of zoo animals and animate their mouths with computers to make it look like they talked. Well, that piece of information combined with the Eisner doll sent the room into a frenzy. These boys began popping off rounds like seasoned machine-gunners. The animators hit the deck as one well-aimed shot blew the head off the life-sized marble statue of Macaulay Culkin in his "Pagemaster" outfit. Pants wet with the comprehension of mutual understanding, the executives suddenly stood tall and began chanting their new mantra: "More talking animals! More talking animals!"

And thus, "Dr. Dolittle" was conceived. Eddie Murphy plays the good doctor who understands animals but has repressed his talent so he can fit in. One day he bumps his head while nearly plowing over a dog in his SUV and suddenly understands them again, an ability which quickly turns his life upside-down.

Aside from the fact that most of our nation's lonely are already incapacitated by the assumption that their pets have human thoughts and feelings, the filmmakers have further ingratiated themselves with those disconnected from the social fabric by making sure the story's emotional complexity can be comprehended by a dead fish. The cathartic moment of the film actually hinges on Dolittle's little outcast daughter explaining to daddy how she hoped he could talk to the animals because that would make him weird like her.

If you're really into watching one animation schtick get replayed over and over again as various animals are made to "talk," then you might as well go to this movie. Then again, you probably already hear the animals, don't you?

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