I only remember one thing about the television show "The Dukes of Hazzard" and that was that I despised it. My friends and I watched Monty Python reruns and discussed the merits of St. Elsewhere and could always tell who the "Hazzard" fans were at school because they usually gathered around the drool puddle they created near the fire exit and whenever anybody used the word "special" they would inevitably look up like dogs responding to a high-pitched noise. So, I'm not sure what there is to evaluate here or how to compare it on any scale to any other movie. I expected it to suck. It did suck. I'm not shocked and I doubt anyone else is either.

So what's a reviewer supposed to do? Am I supposed to compare this Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke Duke (Johnny Knoxville) to their counterparts from the series, John Schneider and Tom Wopat? Perhaps I could contrast the Daisy Dukes: Jessica Simpson and Catherine Bach. Or, better yet, I could strip naked, douse myself in gasoline and run flapping down the interstate in search of the eventual blessed release of "suicide by cop." The film is so obviously lacking in any positive quality that even discussing it makes me feel like I'm soiling myself.

The story, such as it is, revolves around Bo and Luke delivering moonshine for their Uncle Jesse (Willie Nelson) while trying to avoid the law, embodied in Rosco P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey), and preparing for an annual car race. Soon they learn that the race is largely a front for Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds) to get permission to destroy Hazzard county in a strip mining operation, which in the this particular movie is presented as a "bad" thing rather than a delicious example of red-state irony.

The only thing resembling acting in "The Dukes of Hazzard" is the occasional eyebrow raise. Whenever a character has to convey a strong emotional reaction, inevitably an eyebrow goes up. Given that this film's cast is a veritable support group for the untalented, it's not five minutes into the movie before eyebrows start to fly. The worst offender is Reynolds, who looks like he's celebrating the fact that the Botox wore off from his last remake, "The Longest Yard."

Speaking of untalented, what is it that people find interesting about Jessica Simpson, anyway? Has our culture really become that rotten at its core? Apparently, I'm supposed to want to see this film because she's in tight shorts. Wow! I mean, I could see the excitement if she was blowing an elephant, but c'mon, tight shorts? I'd like to write about the merits of her acting, but I spent most of my time debating whether she was actually human or made entirely of Teflon. Acting ability didn't really enter my mind. It's like discussing the table manners of an invading army.

"The Dukes of Hazzard" is a complete wreck.