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So last night, all this knowing/not knowing/is she really serious this time or was she just having another emotional mood-swing guessing that's been going on in my head finally had me at the point of bursting.. I couldn't take it anymore..
The girl was slated to be moving to a new home this coming week, so last night (when i knew she'd be at work) i called and left a message on her answering machine saying simply "I know you're gonna be busy over the next little while. So you don't have to call back right away, but at some point in the near future, could you please call. Maybe we could go out to lunch or something. I'd like to have a talk."
Well, today when i got home, there was a message on the answering machine. She had called back. Momentarily i had a spark of hope: She called back as soon as she could! That's gotta be a good sign, right? So i call right away, wistfully hoping against hope that we're destined for a happy-ending.
Silly Drew.
The girl who answered the phone was not the one i fell in love with. Not even close.
I mean, in a way, i guess i'm glad i called her today. It really opened my eyes.
This girl has changed. She is no longer the outgoing, fun- loving, independent fiery-haired vixen i fell in love with. She was a too-cool for school emotionally detached follower of the wannabe-artsy-crew.. That, above all else, is what really depresses me. She sold-out. She went entirely against the person she was...
I could not BELIEVE the ice that i heard in her voice when i said "Hey!"..It was like i was a telemarketer...
I started tearing up right there, and came this close to just saying "..all i needed to know." and hanging up..
But i didn't. I went on with how i had planned the whole phonecall out. Told her about how I was starting to receive job offers. Some of them would involve me having to move pretty far away. I just wanted to see how we stood.
And talking to her, you'd swear we'd never even been dating. At the very least, this sure didn't sound like a serious relationship. More like a 1-week fling!
"Man, this isn't healthy. We had our fun, but we never had a future. I can't believe you haven't moved on already."
We had our 'fun'? Heh.
I remember the days she used to tell me "i've never loved anyone this much. It's terrifying how much i love you." and "you're the man i'm going to marry".
Hrrrm. To be fair, i think i do realize that some of this is probably an act.
I kept trying to say "well, you'll always have a place in my heart", and she kept saying "don't say that" or "don't be like that"..Which just led me to believe that there was still at least something there that was making it difficult to let go..
At the same time.. I dunno..
The thing that hurts me more then anything is just how she's changed..And for the negative.. But what can you say? "Don't you see the spiral you're taking? You sound EXACTLY like the people you used to hate!"
And more then anything, you want to scream "Don't you see what you're throwing away? What you're letting go???" To think, all of this was sparked because i insisted on holding the door open for her.. Geeze.
She kept acting surprised by the fact that i hadn't moved on already. "I've been feeling this way for months", she claimed, "I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.".. Uh- huh. And that's why, as recently as the morning THAT all this shit started, she practically raped me after i walked her home at 4 in the morning..
Whatever.
That's also why, whenever i suggested maybe at least going for lunch sometime, she'd say "i don't think that's a good idea. I need a couple of months."
But what can you do?
"You dwell too much on things, Drew. Why don't you take this and use it as the first thing that you try not to dwell on."
Uh-huh. Person i thought was the most important in my life, the person i was going to spend the rest of my life with, person who meant more to me then anything in the universe. I'm not gonna dwell on all of this falling apart.
What can you do?
Ah well. Like i said: in a way, i'm glad i called. There is a certain sense of peace, knowing her view on things.
Boy, i'm never gonna try wishing on a Star, ever again.. What a rip-off THAT gig is!
Sad thing is, as much of a dope as she appears to be becoming.. I'm still gonna love the girl till the day i die..
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