Dune

Bomb Rating: 

Let's face it: People who drink their own urine bond fast.

What is with the huge slug shooting light out of its butthole? From what I've been able to research, the Navigators don't look anything like that, but for some reason, director David Lynch has made them look like giant slugs and he's given them buttholes for mouths. I just don't understand how a filmmaker -- any filmmaker -- can reasonably expect that slugs who shoot light out of their buttholes would somehow be a good feature in a big budget science fiction film.Unless you've read the novel, which I have not, understanding this film is like trying to learn CGI by reading the manual upside-down.

Now, let me see if I have this straight: Dune is also known as the planet Arakis and that's where they mine spice, which extends life, expands consciousness, and is important in allowing the Navigators to fold space. Without it, there's no commerce. There are several kinds of spice: posh, scary, baby, ginger and gorgonzola. Stay around the spice for long enough and your eyes turn blue and your music becomes the work of Satan. Apparently, there's a prophecy among the people of Dune that a man will come to them and he will be the Cuisinart Cataract. This man turns out to be Paul Atreides (Kyle MacLachlan), whose mother seems to have had him when she was two. He's part of the Atreides house. Opposed to them is the House Harkonen, which is led by a big, fat guy with a lot of protruding, pus-filled sores.

I don't know about anybody else, but if I'm the leader of a great nation and I go to meet my enemy and he's a fatbody with tons of pus-filled sores, I don't get too worked up. I mean, if you can't control your own personal hygiene, how exactly is your country going to kick my ass? Paul ends up bonding with the people who live on Dune because they all wear these suits that allow them to drink their own urine. Let's face it: People who drink their own urine bond fast. Then Paul goes worm riding. See, there are these huge worms on Dune and when you make noise, they come and eat you. Oh, Paul can also make things explode with his thoughts. And then there's Sting, who wears a futuristic Speedo bathing suit and wants to kill Paul. Hopefully, it all makes sense now.

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