8 1/2 Women

Bomb Rating: 

Watching a Peter ("The Pillow Book") Greenaway film is like watching an episode of the Jerry Springer Show where all the guests have a college education. You just sit there and think to yourself, "Is this my universe?"

Okay, normally I wouldn't bother with this type of artsy-fartsy independent film, but since it was a Greenaway film, I knew all I had to do was survive it -- which at 126 minutes was not easy, let me tell you -- and the review would be 3/4 written since all I would have to do is describe the plot for a few paragraphs and everybody and their grandmother would think, "No way. Mr. Cranky is making it up."

Firstly, after the death of Philip Emmenthal's (John Standing) wife, his son, Storey (Matthew Delamere), convinces him to get naked (and yes, penises are visible. I have now dubbed this "Week of the Penis." Celebrate in whatever manner you deem appropriate."). Father and son stand in front of a mirror totally naked and then get into bed with each other. Later on, there's all this talk about Philip wanting to sleep with his father instead of his mother, but -- thank whatever deities may rule the universe -- this does not happen.

Instead, Storey and Philip start collecting all these women and housing them in Philip's big Genevan mansion. Since Storey works in Japan, a few of them are Japanese. However, a few of them are not, and if you ever wanted to see Amanda Plummer naked, riding a horse and bathing a huge pig, this is the film for you. I don't know if I dozed off somewhere in the movie, but I never did see the 1/2 woman show up. Fortunately or not, she's revealed in the end -- a Japanese female with no legs. What this all means, I have absolutely no clue. Nor do I care.

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