Elizabeth

Bomb Rating: 

Liz is the "virgin queen" like Michael Bolton is the "king of funk."

If you're Elizabeth (Cate Blanchett), Queen of England from 1558 to1603, and you're making a list of things you've done from the time your half-sister Mary (Kathy Burke) thought about hanging you to maybe a year later when you've solidified your hold on power, the list would look something like this:

1. Frolicked with ladies and potential suitor, Lord Robert Dudley (Joseph Fiennes), in yard.
2. Became Queen of England after Catholic half-sis, Mary, died under suspicious circumstances (tooth-brushing accident).
3. Irritated bishops with "Protestants Rule" t-shirt.
4. Wondered what dark figure and Master of Spies, Sir Francis Walsingham (Geoffrey Rush), does all day in the corner with his hands in his pockets.
5. Solidified hold on power.
6. Wondered if chief adviser, Sir William Cecil (Richard Attenborough) could get me into that live dinosaur park.
7. Screwed Lord Dudley like a weasel in heat.
8. Declared self "Virgin Queen."

I don't know whether I should break this to the filmmakers, who've obviously screwed something up, or to the millions of Brits who hold the virgin Liz to be such a role model, but I believe that we have grounds for a disqualification here. Liz is the "virgin queen" like Michael Bolton is the "king of funk." It's like the Philadelphia Eagles suddenly declaring themselves world champions, Marilyn Manson declaring himself Pope, or John Ramsey declaring himself the "world's best dad." I know the aristocracy likes to make its own rules, but clearly, item number 7 pretty much makes item number 8 impossible.

This must be some sort of weird English fantasy where passions are played out like rabbits on Viagra, yet the next day that facade of stoicism is maintained by a declaration like "I am the Virgin Queen." Given this movie, Liz might as well have declared, "duck, monkey-boy, my nipples shoot fire water."

To spread the word about this Elizabeth review on Twitter.

To get instant updates of Mr. Cranky reviews, subscribe to our RSS feed.
10 Comments

Like This Elizabeth Review? Vote it Up.

0

Rate This Movie:

Other Cranky Content You Might Enjoy

  • If you take a crowbar and a piece of coal and are able to sneak past the Buckingham Palace guards and wedge the coal up the Queen's ass, you'll quickly have yourself a diamond.

  • It's pretty much impossible to figure out what anyone was thinking remaking this film, but I'm assuming it goes something like this: Since Jackie Chan is a huge star but he can't really play the part

  • Frankly, the notion of Christopher Lambert as an action hero makes me laugh -- and it made me laugh back in 1986 when this film was released.

What movie do you watch over and over?

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

You know every line and every scene by heart.  If it comes on TV you have to watch it, even if it's half over.  You might like the actors in it but that isn't really why you keep viewing it over and over.  There's just something about that one movie that registers with you.  Usually it's the story.

For me it's either "Elizabeth" (1998) or "Mulholland Falls" (1996).  "Elizabeth" is the more substantial movie.  It purports to be a more or less historical movie about the life and times of Elizabeth I, queen of England.  Some elements in it may even be true.  This is definitely not your mother's PBS or BBC version of history.  It has a kind of a soap opera, slightly trashy edge to it.  These people want power and they want sex.  Not necessarily in that order.  More historical movies should be done this way.  Nothing puts an audience to sleep faster than a bunch of super earnest historical characters spouting famous qoutations.  If you can't imagine characters in a movie using the toilet you probably will not take them as real people.

"Mulholland Falls" is a cheesy guilty pleasure.  Honestly I first developed an interest in it because Jennifer Connelly is smoking hawt in this.  But then it sort of grew on me as a fairly realistic depiction of police work.  The cops are not as dumb as they seem at first.  The supposedly smart people turn out to be fools in some ways.  Everyone uses violence to get what they want. The movie also has some film noir qualities that appeal to me.  Not a great movie by any means, but kind of like junk food you get addicted to.

{;-) Dan in Miami

 

 

There was a time when, but now just the one

gamerarocks's picture

Once upon a time I and some of my friends were regulars on fridays and saturdays for the midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Knew all the lines, brought all the props, even played some of the roles in the expansive area between the front row and the screen.  Ahhh, I do have fond memories of the Ogden. (considering what was going on prior to, during, and after the film I'm fairly surprised I have any recall)

There are a few movies I watch when I just want to pop in a movie for whatever the reason, but only one can be recited word for word start to finish without the cues; Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  The movie doesn't even need to be on really, but I love watching it still.

One out of four people is freakishly stupid. If three of your friends are normal, then it's you.

 

Notting Hill

RidingFool's picture

Julia Roberts' toothy grin coupled with Hugh Grant's entirely believeable characterization of a down-and-out bookstore owner in some picturesque London slum, together with his nutty, eclectic collection of friends and screwball family members, all leave me wanting for nothing less than a sequel to show us how this entirely delightful little comedy turns out after the wedding and the little ones arrive with their penchant for shit stains, puking, wailing and Julia's stretch marks.

I for one can't wait.

==============

Added: Bristol Palin On Tour. Can't wait for the video to be released.

L.A. Confidential

Rajah's picture

Even though I can nolonger stand Kim Bassinger I love that scene where  Kevin Spacey tells James(Babe's dad)Cromwell that bogus name just before he dies thus telling that other detective who killed him when Cromwell utters the name.

Rollo Tomase.

HS's picture

LA Confidential rocks, Rajah!  But let's keep that on the QT, off the record, and very...hush hush.

Many movies hold up to repeated viewings but in the spirit of Gamerarocks's excellent answer, I'll have to say "Fargo" and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."  I know them both word-for-word.

 

HS

I wonder...

HS's picture

...is the 2006 sequel to this, Elizabeth: A New Age, any good?  Cate got another Oscar nomination but the film otherwise flew under the radar.

 

HS

"Elizabeth: The Golden Age" (2007) is just OK

Dan_in_Cincinnati's picture

Can't really recommend it unless you are huge fan of the first one.  In this sequel Elizabeth has matured into a somewhat cranky virgin.  She seems to be in desperate need of a good rogering. 

In the first one she was fairly innocent and young and vulnerable.  You were worried someone might cut off her head at any moment.  In the sequel she seems to have command of the situation, but some of the fun has been drained out of the proceedings.  Still kind of cool if you like fancy costumes and sets and people talking in pseudo Shakespearean language.

{;-) Dan in Miami

It took me three viewings to see all of Fargo

Rajah's picture

For some reason I kept going to sleep in the middle and waking up right when that guy is shoving his pal through the woodchipper.

My favorite actress playing Elizabeth I would have to be Judi Dench. She's soooooo sexy!!!! *pant*pant*drool*drool*

 

Okay, who's sexier?

Judi Dench

 

OR

Nancy Grace?

Oh-oh!

RidingFool's picture

Coaster is gonna be all over this one.

Judi Dench is the new Bea Arthur

Rajah's picture

I can nolonger lust after Bea cause she's dead and that would be creepy

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.