If you're Elizabeth (Cate Blanchett), Queen of England from 1558 to1603, and you're making a list of things you've done from the time your half-sister Mary (Kathy Burke) thought about hanging you to maybe a year later when you've solidified your hold on power, the list would look something like this:
1. Frolicked with ladies and potential suitor, Lord Robert Dudley (Joseph Fiennes), in yard.
2. Became Queen of England after Catholic half-sis, Mary, died under suspicious circumstances (tooth-brushing accident).
3. Irritated bishops with "Protestants Rule" t-shirt.
4. Wondered what dark figure and Master of Spies, Sir Francis Walsingham (Geoffrey Rush), does all day in the corner with his hands in his pockets.
5. Solidified hold on power.
6. Wondered if chief adviser, Sir William Cecil (Richard Attenborough) could get me into that live dinosaur park.
7. Screwed Lord Dudley like a weasel in heat.
8. Declared self "Virgin Queen."
I don't know whether I should break this to the filmmakers, who've obviously screwed something up, or to the millions of Brits who hold the virgin Liz to be such a role model, but I believe that we have grounds for a disqualification here. Liz is the "virgin queen" like Michael Bolton is the "king of funk." It's like the Philadelphia Eagles suddenly declaring themselves world champions, Marilyn Manson declaring himself Pope, or John Ramsey declaring himself the "world's best dad." I know the aristocracy likes to make its own rules, but clearly, item number 7 pretty much makes item number 8 impossible.
This must be some sort of weird English fantasy where passions are played out like rabbits on Viagra, yet the next day that facade of stoicism is maintained by a declaration like "I am the Virgin Queen." Given this movie, Liz might as well have declared, "duck, monkey-boy, my nipples shoot fire water."
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