12/04/07: The Protestant Joan of Arc

Posted by: preslopsky


Someone made the mistake of trying to use this movie to Say Something Smart. Only whatever they are trying to say is utter horseshit, based on the most whacko, over-the-top Anglo-centric view of the world one could envision.

Basically, the entire free world is saved from the demon Catholics thanks to the Elizabeth, the misunderstood-but- really-down-to-earth-sort-of-feminist-but-awkward-in-a- nerdy-but-loveable-way white knight of the Anglicans. Too bad she was not burned at the stake in the end. Smart, unpopular high-school girls may swoon. There is some incoherent feminist agenda in there too, as well as that favorite message of Very Smart Writers, that monarchs that indiscriminately kill people are really just like you and me.

I am OK with a historical drama playing around with history to make a place for the story to fit in. But this movie has to rewrite history to make the movie make sense. It is so obsequious, that I doubt even Elizabeth herself could stomach it. At the point where Elizabeth dons her gleaming armor to inspect the ragtag (what other kind is there in the movies?) English troops, I expected the sky to open up and for her to ascend bodily into heaven. Or for her to start flying and shooting fire from her hands.

So let's forget the agenda and just look at the movie. For 95% of the movie, a pampered spinster runs around trying to act like one of the regular people, but the guy she sort of likes/loves but can't really marry unsurprisingly goes for the girl that actually has some sex appeal and nice breasts. Then Spain attacks using its Armada, because they are Catholic and therfore mean terrorists and hate the enlightened, wise, and rational English Anglicans. That guy the queen sot of likes/loves defeats them all by himself by lighting his boat on fire, ramming theirs, and starting a killer chain reaction that we never see, possible because it is too absurd for CGI to even depict. Elizabeth kills some people and acts like a bitch most of the time, then feels bad about it afterwards, so it's OK.


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