"Virginity is an asset that holds its value." - Sir Francis Walsingham adviser to Queen Elizabeth I.

"Everything has an expiration date." - modern day stand up comedian.

Much like that joke, the Queen Elizabeth movies directed by Shekhar Kapur, have hit their expiration date. The first one was fascinating with its political intrigues and a vivid presentation of a foreign place a long ago time. You couldn't help rooting for the timid young Elizabeth (played by Cate Blanchett) who seemed at times to have the entire world arrayed against her.

In this second film - of a planned trilogy - it is harder to root for a more self assured and at times harpy-like Elizabeth. Half the time Queen Elizabeth is a shrill harridan and a control freak. The rest of the time she's a walking, talking alabaster statue spouting virtue and the political wisdom of sages. The movie can't decide whether to depict her as a frail fallible female or as a mythological Valkyrie-like super hero. During these bigger than life segments the music swells to Wagnerian proportions. You almost expect Elizabeth to sprout wings so she can fly to Spain and smite her tormentor, King Phillip II of Spain.

That doesn't happen, but Elizabeth does don a very fetching suit of armor. All the better to rally the troops of England to fight Phillip's Spanish Armada. Thankfully Elizabeth does not ask her ladies in waiting: "do these bucklers make me look fat?"

Of course if you saw the first one you know this one will not spend all of its time on history lessons. Queen E must have a romantic interest! Handsome scoundrels must circle around the royal eminence like sharks surrounding a bleeding tuna. The rakish Sir Walter Raleigh - played by Clive Owen - seeks the favor of the Queen. Any potential romantic tension is seriously compromised. Raleigh makes it pretty clear he's only after money for his explorations. Queen E ain't very happy about this and tries to put a leash on the adventurer. Much to his chagrin, she tries to make him captain of her guards.

The way the movie depicts the relationship between these two has about as much historical accuracy as the fractured fairy tales from the old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon show. Kapur doesn't care of course. He is interested in presenting a magnificent costume drama and historical accuracy be damned. Elizabeth dons fantastically outrageous gowns and wigs with headpieces the size of peacocks and diamonds bigger than a midget's testicles.

And by the way, every English movie I have seen this year had a midget in it, including this one. Did the UK pass some kind affirmative action legislation for pee wees in movies?

Back to Sir Walter and Queen E. Elizabeth is, of course, known even today as the Virgin Queen. This means that there was no possible consummation in the offing. Poor Sir Walter ends up with blue balls the size of cannon balls. This movie - like 40 year old virgins - is the ultimate tease.

--Dan_in_Cincinnati