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*MAIN (and emergency backup) TITLE SEQUENCE*
TITLE CARD: "Crankyheart! The Insane Crossover Fanfic!" - or- "Crouching Blueberry, Stupid Dragon" -or- "the Mad-Ness Monster and the Complete Waste of Time!" -or-...
(The Audience begins throwing Skittles at their computer screens. The Episode Subtitle and Explanatory Crawl is cued up in response.)
EPISODE SUBTITLE: "Episode One: When Fanfics Collide!"
OPENING EXPLANATORY CRAWL: (This is being read by a Guy Who Sounds a Little Like James Earl Jones but Isn't) "Once upon a time, in The Future, the odd little backwater corner of the Internet lovingly called Crankyland was enjoying a very rare time of peace and prosperity and all that other good stuff. With the evil creatures lead by the wicked Troll Queen oddly silent, the brave leaders of the Cranky Brigade have taken the opportunity to search for a legendary treasure. This magical sword, the Sour-Apple- Flavored Destiny, is said to have the capability to destroy Evil in it's most heinous and purest forms.
"So, like, you can see why they'd want it so bad.
"Anyhow, we join these brave warriors on their return journey."
*CHAPTER ONE: "In which we meet Crankyland's competent Team of Heroes and we get to hear (???) some REALLY corny dialogue!*
EXT-"WARRIORS OF VIRTUE" FORUM, THE WOODS OUTSIDE CRANKY BRIGADE HEADQUARTERS
(Two figures zip through the woods towards HQ on their little Badass Flying Jetski Thingys. They pause for a moment just outside the building, removing their helmets. Title cards pop up in front of the female figure first, identifying her as...)
TITLE CARD: "Violet Beuregard... (Vi glares at the Director) ...*ahem* BeuregardE!"
SMALLER TITLE CARD: "...and her Rack (tm)"
VI: "Well, seems like the place is still in one piece since we left. That's encouraging. I guess this is a sign that we've been upholding the legacy quite well, eh?"
(We pan to the male figure...)
TITLE CARD: "Redundancies... or, if you prefer, the Shadow Emperor... OR, if you prefer, the Redundant One... *OR*..."
RED: (goofy shit-eating grin) "Huh, huh, huh, you said 'Piece'! You said 'Uphold'! You said 'This'!"
VI: (Ignoring him, she pulls out the Infra-Dimensional Telepathic Wake-Up Call) "Okay, Brigadiers! Your Imperious Leaders have returned! Time to get down to business!"
(A very cheesy song, the kind you might hear in [oh, I dunno ^_^] a badly dubbed animé imported to America in the 80s, starts to play as they round the HQ. The different Brigadiers pop out of the windows to greet Red and Violet and sing along. The first is Pseudonym...)
PSEU: (as a cute little goldfinch lands on her finger) "Friends come! Flyin'! Pack away your snow things! There's work to do!"
(Next up is Presley..)
C.F.L.: "Wait, I'm Aaron now!"
(..oh. Okay, then, Aaron is next and...)
C.F.L.: "I've changed my mind! Now I'm Jack's Raging Bile Duct, and..."
(Oh, for crying out loud, man!)
C.F.L.: "Sorry."
(Where was I? Okay, so the Creep, Freak, Loser [or whatever] is next. And let me just say that the people who dubbed this movie did one hell of a number on this guy. Those are French 'U's at the end, there!)
C.F.L.: "Up an' atom! You just can't hang around when... (pauses for no discernible reason) There's work tû dû!"
(The other Brigadiers; Grundle, X-Man, Mendo, and the Godmother [and I apologize profusely if I forgot anyone, but some *couldn't* be here anyway, due to the inherit logistical problems of crossover stories]; pop out of their windows and sing along while bobbing their heads from side- to-side in a sublimely scary "dance"...)
ALL BRIGADERS: "Everybody's got a part to play / to start each day in a beautiful way! / Every morning when the night goes away / Every morning is a rainbow day!"
(Somebody kick me in the head.)
RED AND VI: (have made there way into the Headquarters by now, where the Brigadiers meet them in the Main Hall; they aren't singing yet) "Good morning, everyone!"
OTHER BRIGADERS: (They are still singing, and for some reason there are more voices heard then there are people onscreen) "Good morning / Red and Vi-iiiii! / We wrote this song on the fly! / There's work to do!"
(Outside the Headquarters, by the main entrance, Llamasex is happily gnawing on the handle of one of the Flying Jetskis, when he hears something coming from inside. His ear pricks up.)
LLAMA: (Voiced by David Spade! He swings his long neck to greet...) "Huh? What the hell?"
FEMALE BRIGADERS: (Marching out of HQ from the llama's left) "Everybody's got a part to play!"
MALE BRIGADERS: (They exit from the left) "To start each day in a beautiful way!"
ALL BRIGADERS: (As Redundancies and Violet walk out in the center, holding Skittles!) "Every morning when the night goes away! (Red and Vi release the magical Skittle Rainbows, which twine around and around as we pan out) Every morning is a Rainbow Day! And we've got a pa-art to PLAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!"
(The Brigadiers stop singing, and Llamasex just looks at them like they should all be in a mental institution.)
LLAMA: "You guys have to do that *every* time one of you returns from an adventure?"
(Some time later, there is a brief meeting in the Main Hall. The lead Brigadiers have something long standing on it's end in it's lovely glass collector's case. A silk wrapping sealed with a gold pin of sorts with a strange symbol on it protects the object within. All the Brigadiers admire it.)
RED: "Okay, the only way to open that seal is to say the Secret Magic Word. So, like, just for security reasons, can everyone plug their ears? (They do.) Okay, here goes. (He leans in towards the seal.) *ahem* ~Fuckwit, Duckwit, Alika-Zuckwit!~"
(The magic seal melts right off, and the silken wrapping falls away, revealing the most gorgeous sword ever to greet the eyes of a Crankizen. Everyone just stares at it in awe, muttering…)
EVERYONE: "The long lost treasure of… (reverent pause) … Richard B. Bernstein!"
(Everyone starts bowing to the sword, or offering it gifts, or basing new minor religions on it. Then, when all that gets boring, they leave. Eventually, the Hall is empty of Brigadiers, save one. Pseudonym is gazing sadly at the Sour-Apple-Flavored Destiny... And she's haunted by the memory of That Day...)
SAD FLASHBACK, EXT-"THE LOST WORLD" FORUM, SURVIVOR ISLAND
(The island is in ruin due to the preceding bloodbath. Richard B. Bernstein is lying near-dead in a field strewn with ripped-up vegetation, unfortunate Asskickasauruses caught in the crossfire, and *lots* of corpses of dead Trolls. As the Cranky Brigade approaches him, he manages to blurt out his Last Request.)
R.B.B.: "Train Pseu... Train her! ...She (sss) will be a very... (ulp) very good (erk) Brigader. I know it...."
RED: "I gots water comin' out of my eyes, man... I mean, (snif) yes, sir."
(There is a Very Solemn Moment as the Brigadiers hold their vigil around their dying leader. Richard has the Big Nod [thank you Mr. Ebert]. Pseudonym's expression is halfway awe, and halfway horror...)
ALARM THINGY: "EEENNK! EEENNK! EENNK!!!!"
PSEU: "HUH?"
(And we're back in the present. The Brigadiers race into the Main Hall in response. Pseu casually joins them.)
VI: "Oh, for crying out loud. Who'd attack an X-Mart? I guess X-Man should go on this adventure. X!?! X, stop whacking off to 'Full House' and get in here! Darn, C.F.L., Grundle you ought to go along with him; he'll need help from more advanced life forms. (she sighs) Woo-hoo. A plot."
(Everyone reading, not least of all the Director of this Fanfic herself, is VERY happy about this.)
THE AUDIENCE: "Yeah! We finally have a plot!"
(The adventure team flies off towards the X-Mart in some kind of large flying vehicle of some fashion. As they approach the X-Mart, the Creep, Freak, Loser notices something bizarre in the monitor…)
C.F.L.: "What the… is that a gigantic rat?"
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