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*CHAPTER TWO: "In which a Bloodbath occurs (God, that's insensitive)!"*
(But, before we start this chapter, we have to have a Special Disclaimer. We see some little skinny chick sitting at a desk who looks [and sounds] damn near *exactly* like what might happen if Daria stole Quinn's wardrobe... and about a third of her brain. A Title Card identifies this character as...)
TITLE CARD: "The Director of This Fanfic"
SMALLER CARD: "That is to say, Nessie out of character."
AN EVEN SMALLER CARD: "And her little 36B cup."
DIRECTOR: "Hey, shut up. They're proportionate. I'm here to warn the more sensitive readers that the following chapter involves a bunch of people and animals kicking the shit out of each other. Well, the whole story takes place on the Internet so nobody was *really* hurt. If there's anything I wanna make clear, it's that I'm not trying to be insensitive here, and that neither I nor this fanfic condone cruelty to animals."
TITLE CARD: "So, don't let any animals read this fanfic!"
DIRECTOR: "Shut up!"
(Anyhow, back in Crankyland, the Brigadiers don't know it but *another* group of creatures had begun *their* quest. As a matter of fact, both teams would end up having the same destination.)
EXT-"MYSTERY MEN" FORUM, IT'S POURING IN THERE BUT WE CAN JUST BARELY MAKE OUT A SHAPE MOVING IN THE FOREST UNDERGROWTH
(Scary violins blare as two glowing "eyes" flash open in the dark forest. Whatever their owner is snarls ferociously, then bursts forward. We watch from it's point of view as it races through the forest towards the X-Mart.)
EXT-"LOST HIGHWAY" FORUM, A DITCH IN BETWEEN INFOBAHN RT 42 AND AN X-MART
(The creature halts here. It resembles a gigantic metallic rat stalking forth on round rubber feet like a wolf. And then it's eyes dim and it's sides split apart, revealing the beast to, in truth, be a very strange vehicle.
As a matter of fact, it is none other than the Great Li- Mouse-Ine of Justice.
We view the next scene through somebody's binoculars. There is a growing mound of dirt in front of the X-Mart. Finally the mound bursts and hundreds of horrible little furry bodies come streaming out of the hole and into the X- Mart.
We turn to meet whoever it was looking through those binoculars as he removes them. A title card reveals this character as…)
TITLE CARD: "The Lord High Justice Wreck! Holder of the Crest of Beer Balls and Leader of the Crankydestined!"
(Wreck bugs his eyes in disbelief at this, prompting another card…)
SMALLER TITLE CARD: "Yeah, yer a major player in a fanfic."
WRECK: (Does the Happy Polka of Joy a la Justin T. being happy at last year's VMAs) "I'm in a faaaan-fic! I'm in a faaaan-fic!!!"
(Now, he's outside the Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice, so we can't see the other Crankydestined glaring at him. He immediately regains composure and comes to a very hard decision.)
WRECK: "Okay, um, we're going to split into two teams here. Team A will consist of Wulfgar, Mayor Bob, Junkyard Dog and… uh…"
SOME CHICK: "Haido! Also known as Kaoru-Dono! *G*"
WRECK: "…and Haido. (Looks very confused) Team B will consist of myself, and, well, everyone else."
("Everyone Else" glares at him again.)
WRECK: "We're working on a cool way to introduce you all later. But for now, so all you kid's will know what to ask for when the action figures arrive, it's me and Whack Chick and Ken Kaminski and Jack-em-up Jackal and the Mad Ness Monster and Lyra Belaqua… Wait a sec?"
(He goes over the role call again, and looks confused at two young women and a spotted wild dog.)
WRECK: "Do, uh, do you three even post here anymore?"
LYRA: "It matters not. This place does not exist. I care not whether I am here or not. None of this is real."
(She vanishes in a puff of cold logic. Wreck looks for answers from someone sort-of normal…)
WHACK: "See, the Director saw us post here recently, just when she was just conceiving this thing."
JACKAL: "She thought, follow this now, that *she'd* be sad if we came in here, read this, saw no mention of ourselves, and then *we'd* be sad."
(I don't want to hear *anyone* saying they're jealous of hyper-empathic people.)
WRECK: "Well… it's at least good to get all that cleared up. Team A will go see what those horrible, horrible little beasties are up to. Team B will stay in the car and get high and laugh at things that are remotely amusing."
(The other Crankydestined go for this because, let's face it, we're big fuckin' losers! Wulfgar, on the other hand, is a little nervous for some reason he just can't figure out at the moment…)
MAYOR: (wikkid enthused) "Hey, alright! We don't even post here anymore…"
JYD: "…And here we are about to kick some ass in a fanfic! Can't beat that!"
HAIDO: "I don't even remember myself! *giggle*"
WULF: "Oh shit…"
AUDIENCE: "Sweet! This fic's hardly even begun an' we're gonna get to see Wulfie kick ass already!"
WULF: (sweating) "Ha ha ha!"
(The remaining members of Team A skip merrily up the lane towards the X-Mart. Some merry woodland creatures exit the X-Mart to greet them.)
HAIDO: "AIIIIII!!!!!! Squirrels! How kawii!!! ~.<"
(I actually miss that little chiquita on the level that she was always one step ahead of myself in terms of annoying girly-girl immaturity.
And, anyhow, those aren't JUST squirrels, although that would certainly be bad enough. No, they are EVIL squirrels! And they have stolen some stuff from the X-Mart to deliver to their Evil Master!)
MAYOR: "Ah, yes. But they have to get through *us* first! God, this is corny! (pause) Oh, damn. That was my last line wasn't it?"
JYD: "Huh?"
HAIDO: "*G*"
(The squirrels run *through* Team A. A wave of awful furry bodies race over the Crankydestined on the field , surrounding them! Fangs glisten! Blood flows!
And then the wave of psychotic rodents recedes, revealing a trio of freshly stripped skeletons.
Wulfgar likes the odds even less now.)
AUDIENCE: "Waaaaahhhhh!!!!! That sucks! Those guys were cool! But, who cares cuz now we get to watch Wulfgar kick ass!"
WULF: (shaking as he notices the size of the squirrels' nasty pointy teeth) "Ha ha ha! Yes, you are *definately* going to see me kick ass! Lots and lots of ass I will kick, I promise! Just, ah…"
(He reaches into the Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice and finds a pair of shoulders…)
KEN: (Kinda caught off-guard) "What the fu…???"
WULF: "…Just not just yet!"
(Wulfgar gives Ken the heave-ho into the pack of squirrels, then insinuates himself in his place.)
WULF: "Ha ha! That bug has fuzzy antennae!"
(Meanwhile…)
KEN: "Ah, shit! Not even a speaking role?!?"
(The squirrels go after him like he's made out of suet. The audience is split here…)
RECENT RASH OF KAMINSKI-DETRACTORS: "Ha ha ha!!!! This fanfic rules! Death to the Godless heathen! Bwahahahaha!!!!!"
(The Wreck gives the Audience the Finger. Unfortunately that's all he *can* do as Another Damn Subplot has arrived.
It is a spaceship.
The Crankydestined, with their ridiculous anachronistic weaponry and shiny objects bestowed upon them by some retarded elf guy have never encountered anything quite like this. It lands in the field. The squirrels hiss at it and race off. A door opens, a ramp slides out, and two strange figures emerge. They approach the figures lying in the field.
Sometimes, it takes a stupid little water dragon to express what her fellows are feeling in such a time, in the most poetic manner imaginable.)
NESS: "OH MY GOD!!! PIZZA THE HUTT AND I.R. BABOON ARE GONNA KILL KENNY!!!!!"
(And so the brave and imperious Crankydestined frikkin' dive into the Li-Mouse-Ine of Justice and bolt out of there at, like warp speed.
You bastards!
There's Ken lying there looking up at the spaceship thing and the two awful creatures that are making their way towards him and trying *very* hard not to think about the fact that he's bleeding to death due to a bunch of squirrel bites.)
GRUNDLE: "This man requires medical attention. He needs medical attention soon because psychotic rodents have just mauled him. If we do not get him to our sick bay soon, he will bleed to death. If he bleeds to death, his friends will get angry at us. They will be angry because we did not help. If we do not help then blah blah blah Nader blah blah blah privacy blah blah blah something political blah blah…"
XMAN: "RRRRRGH!!! SLUTS! OOK OOK! SHEEP! RRRRGH!!!!!!!!"
KEN: (Very weak) "Urrrrr…. Some… body… kill… meeeee…."
(They don't. Instead they bring him inside the spaceship thing. Then they go back outside in order to appease the Mechanics of the Plot.)
GRUNDLE: "We have done well by saving that random guy who was bleeding to death in a ditch. We are not going to leave him here. We are taking him back to the sick bay at Headquarters where we will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…"
(And, as luck would have it, Grundle is immediately knocked unconscious by an Evil Squirrel.)
XMAN: (enraged) "EEERRR-UNGH! RRRRRR-UHHHH! LIBERALS! ENGH! ENGH! SLUT SHEEP!!!!"
(X-Man is also knocked out by an Evil Squirrel.)
THE AUDIENCE: "Yay!"
(Now, and I'm sure you'll agree with me, dear readers, that what these two characters *REALLY* deserve is to be chained to a huge granite block, then mailed to the UMass Dartmouth branch of BiGaLa where the insane Lesbian Feminist Extremists there can have their way with them. [Umm… err… Lesbians are good! Lesbians are Nice! Lesbians, for God's sake, NEVER hunt down non-Lesbian UMass students who badmouth them on random websites in order to kill them!] Instead, the Evil Squirrels drag them both down a fiery hole that has erupted from the ground…
The plot, such as it is, thickens.)
TO BE CONTINUED!
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