Post a response to this discussion thread
*CHAPTER SEVEN: “Stupider and Beyond the Insipid! (Actually, I don’t know if this is the dumbest chapter so far, but it’s definitely a front-runner. Somebody else can quote Kevin Kline’s last words in ‘A Fish Called Wanda’ for me if worse comes to worse.)”*
EXT-“THE CELL” FORUM, A SURRALISTIC DESERT THAT IS THE SETTING OF KE3N K.’S *FUCKED* UP NIGHTMARE
(…the red hot sky.
It is of a shade that burns the eye to look at it. A searing, fiery, orange-red. The sand is of the same shade and the wind sweeps it into frightening contorted forms. The sun, an inescapable presence, suggests that God is giving this awful place the stink-eye.
There is only one live creature in this desert for as far as we can see. He looks out at the red-orange sand, the red-orange sky, scratches his red-orange hair and…
Wait a minute? That’s not…)
SLATER: (turns to the “camera” while removing the wig) “Hey!”
(What the hell are you doing in here?)
SLATER: “Um, am I in this?”
(Don’t be ridiculous; of course you are, just not until Episode Two. Now go back and wait; you’re ruining the drama.)
SLATER: “Okay.” (leaves)
(We’ll see you later. Now where the hell was I?)
KEN: “What the fuck?!?”
(Oh yeah. *ahem* Ken wanders around in awe of this insane landscape.)
KEN: “What is this place? This place is strange. What am I supposed to be doing in here? Is this even real? Why am I having this big, long internal monologue?”
(Things start to get progressively weirder.)
DISEMBODIED VOICE: (it sounds oddly familiar) “He he he he he…”
ANOTHER DISEMBODIED VOICE: (also familiar) “Yeeeeahhhh He he he he he…” BECKER AND HEDGE: “The Cuervo Gold! / That fahn Co-lum-bee- yun!”
BOTH DISEMBODIED VOICES: “Heh heh heh heh heh heh!!!”
KEN: “This is a set-up, right? (pause) Okay, now what the hell is that?”
(A spire of some kind that looks something like an onyx version of the Washington Monument [now, now], or, if you prefer, UMass Dartmouth’s legendary “Dirk Diggler Memorial”, has just materialized on the horizon. Ken walks toward it. Well, what else is he going to do?
Eventually he gets close enough to see that somebody has tied a young man who kind of looks like what Steve Dallas’ son might look like by now [except that he’s dressed like he just escaped from the freak show] to this spire. God bless everyone who knows what direction this is going in.)
KEN: “Um…”
GUY ON SPIRE: “Shut up and help me down from here you insect!”
KEN: (pissed) “Fuck you!”
(Suddenly a bunch of strange creatures materialize around the spire. Some of them look like messed-up versions of real animals, some of them look like talking trees and rocks and such, some of them look like robots, and the rest do not resemble anything found in nature. They all appear to be royally pissed at the guy on the spire.)
MESSED-UP ELEPHANT: (sprays radioactive boogers though his trunk at the guy on the spire) “You destroyed our home!”
TALKING ROCK: (shoots rocks out from his head at the guy) “You enslaved our friends!”
ROBOT: (zaps guy with electricity) “And you dress like a freak show exhibit!!!”
(Suddenly, the monsters disappear, the guy disappears, and the spire disappears, and Ken’s there alone and *very* scared.)
KEN: (twitching) “High holy shit, what the fuck is going on?!?”
(A metric shitload of bubbles float in.)
KEN: “Oh, okay. I don’t get answers, I get bubbles.”
WEIRD VOICE: “Ken?”
(He wheels to meet the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes you’ve ever seen.
And since whoever designed this particular character is a sick, evil bastard, those eyes are set in the head of a creature that appears to be half bunny rabbit, half carrion- engorged maggot. It is the color of toxic waste, with a bunch of little “legs” that look more like claws growing out of the underside of it’s body, and has a mouth that works in the horizontal plane [side-to-side].
It and the very pallid Kaminski just stare at each other for a minute or two.)
BUNNYMAGGOT: “Ken (this’d be more touching if it didn’t pronounce it like “Ca-ee-in” for some reason), your friends need your help! You can wake up now!”
KEN: “You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that.”
(And so, Ken wakes up. Now, we're seeing all of this from his point of view. That is why we're looking up, from lying on the ground, at the sky, the trees, and, as they slowly come into focus, at the mysterious, Druid-like figures clad in robes with odd markings on their faces...)
KEN: "Wait a minute.."
BATZ MARU (or Slim Shady, or Corduroy Thong, or whatever): "What the... Ah, dammit! Go back to bed!"
(Ken goes back to sleep, muttering...)
KEN: "Worse than 'Crankyrinth'!"
(...when he comes to the *second* time, the entire Cranky Brigade [less two... and, err, whomever I forgot and whomever can't be there due to the inherent logistical problems of crossovers, though I’ve noticed that nobody seems to have pointed any of them out] are all *looking* at him. They all have very worried expressions, especially Mendo.)
KEN: (sorta scared, sorta curious) "Why are you all looking at me like this?"
(The Brigaders glance at each other with apprehension.)
MENDO: "Why are we looking at you like this? We're looking at you like this for..."
KEN: "Better question. Why are you *talking* to me like this?"
(More nervous glances.)
MENDO: "Why are we talking to you like this? We're talking to you like this for a very good reason. The Director wanted some snappy, intriguing dialogue for the teaser trailers."
KEN: "Oh."
MENDO: "So *why* are we looking at you like this? We are looking at you like this for two reasons. One is that you are the only survivor of a horrific animal attack."
KEN: (low whistle) "Damn. And...?"
MENDO: (hesitates) "And... the... OTHER reason is... well... *ahem* (takes a very deep breath) I found out something... interesting... when I was monitoring you on the Psychic Energy Reading Device Thingy. (there is now a look of unmistakable sadness on his face) Ken, I... (swallows hard) I *AM* your father. (the three-minute silence is hellish) Heh. Hehehehehehehe. Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I had you there for a sec...*ACK!!!*"
(Ken's got Mendo's neck in a death grip and is strangling him.)
RED: "Um, I think this means he's feelin' better."
MENDO: "ACK! ACK! NGAAACK!!!"
Post a response to this discussion thread