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*CHAPTER ONE: “In which We are, We are, We are the Dark Children.”*
INT-“SCARY MOVIE” FORUM, SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD
(Pan down to a small suburban house. Inside, Bad Gwendle is about to make some popcorn and watch a scary movie. Suddenly, the phone rings. Who’d a-thunk it?)
GWEN’S PHONE: “Brrrrrring!!!”
GWEN: “’Ello?”
SOME GUY ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE: “Who is this?”
GWEN: “Who’re you trying to reach?”
GUY: “What number is this?”
GWEN: “I think you have the wrong number.”
GUY: “Do I?”
GWEN: “It happens.”
(She hangs up and walks back into the kitchen, when suddenly…)
GWEN’S DOORBELL: “Ding-a-ling!!!”
GWEN: (A little nervous) “Who’s there?!? Who’s there?!?”
(She opens the door to reveal…)
GWEN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!… Oh. It’s you.”
SLATER: “Am I in this now?”
GWEN: “Of course you’re in this but you have to wait a minute.”
SLATER: “Okay.”
(He leaves and Gwen locks the door again, but then…)
GWEN’S PHONE: “Brrrrrring!!!”
GWEN: “Is this the ‘wrong number’ again? This is annoying.”
GUY: “Oh, so I’m annoying? I think I’ll get my friend and some scary costumes and we’ll go on an insane killing spree!”
GWEN: “Yeah. Right.”
GUY: “And I think I’ll start with you!!! Bwahahahaha!!!”
GWEN: “Oh shit.”
A QUIET VOICE FROM RIGHT OUTSIDE: “Fifty eight, fifty nine, sixty!”
GWEN’S DOORBELL: “Ding-a-ling!!!”
GWEN: “OH, SHIT!!!”
(Because Bad Gwendle is a Female in a Horror Movie, she ignores every last instinct she has and Opens the Front Door! And there she discovers…)
GWEN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!… YOU again?!?”
SLATER: “Am I in this *NOW*?”
GWEN: “Not yet!”
(She slams the door on him, but the doorbell rings again and she opens it…)
GWEN: “Look, you’re just going to have to wait until…”
(Oh, but that isn’t Slater. It’s a guy in a scary costume with a mask that resembles Edvard Munsch’s “the Scream”!)
MUNSCH: “Boo!”
GWEN: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
MUNSCH: “Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!”
(The Munsch Killer chases Gwendle all over her house with a really sharp fondue fork. Gwendle manages to get into her room and locks the door. She searches all over for something…)
GWEN: (climbing out from under her bed with a rather creepy looking book) “All right. Heh heh heh.”
(Meanwhile, Munsch [yeah, I know, you try to spell it off the top of your head!] makes his way up to the door to Gwen’s room. He listens for her, laughs evilly, and starts stabbing the door with his fondue fork!)
MUNSCH: “AAAAAHHH!!!!! Why isn’t this working! WAH!!! I wanted to reference ‘the Shining’!!!”
(Finally he figures out that maybe it’d be easier to use his fondue fork to pick the lock. He succeeds at this and begins to open Bad Gwendle’s door.)
MUNSCH: “Hahaha, I think I can handle this one girl!”
(You know, you should never say that when the Director’s female.
Munsch enters a very disturbing, dark room. There are black candles lit in a circle and creepy symbols, probably of Evil, painted on the walls in a gooey substance, probably blood. And in the middle of the room stands Bad Gwendle. She’s holding a creepy looking book bound in a suspiciously pale “leather”, with ancient runes of some kind on the spine.)
SUBTITLE: (translating the runes) “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Summoning Unknowable Evil!”
MUNSCH: “Ulp…”
GWEN: “The rules will now change. (She turns the brim of her hat to the back, looks strait into the camera and…) Cthulu, I summon YOU!!!”
(And suddenly, a huge pit appears in the floor of Gwendle’s room. It leads to a great lake of fire in the deepest pit of Crankyland Hell! And something horrendous starts slithering out of it; a massive demonic monster seemingly made out of warts and slime. It bears a vague resemblance to Mr. Snuffleupagus after being flipped inside-out, with weird wing/flipper things and a fang-filled mouth surrounded by a mess of tentacles to shove in the food.
The Munsch Killer immediately starts shitting bricks.)
MUNSCH: “Eep!”
CTHULU: “Cthuuuuluuuuu!”
(The Killer tries to run away, but Cthulu stomps him, then messily devours him. Afterwards, he [it?] and Gwendle share a Coca Cola toast…)
CTHULU: “Cthuuu!”
GWEN: “Oh, right, I almost forgot. (goes to a shelf in her closet for a secret stash) They only drink ‘New Coke’ in Hell. (pours Cthulu a new glass) I’m sorry. You did a good job, Cthu-ey.”
CTHULU: “Luuu?”
(The pit to Hell has reopened, which is strange, cause Bad Gwendle didn’t summon anything. But now her room is packed to the gills with Lovecraftian horrors. She takes this in what can only be considered remarkable aplomb, given the situation.)
GWEN: “Hey, What’s this party about? I didn’t summon *everyone*. Besides, I don’t know how much New Coke I’ve got to go around.”
NYARLATHOTEP: “Nyaaaaar!!!!”
GWEN: “What do you mean you want to hide out here?”
YOG-SOTHOTH: “Sotthhhhhhh!!!”
GWEN: (shaken) “What could possibly be happening in Hell that would frighten away the demons?”
(There’s a very light tapping at the window, which Gwen turns to react to and we *almost* have time to see something tiny and winged tapping at it. But before it can register, we pan down through the floor, through the ground, deeper and deeper until we reach…)
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