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*CHAPTER THREE: "In Which we Chop another Line like a Coda with a Curse (Wha?!?)."*
EXT-“THE TIGGER MOVIE” FORUM, HUNDRED-ACRE WOODS
(The Mad-Ness Monster…)
NESS: (a little sarcastic) “Oh! Was this fanfic, as originally conceived, going to be all about *me*? >_<”
(Uh… anyhow, she sits in a rather meditative posture in the Thoughtful Spot, enjoying the sun and experiencing a very rare [and brief] bout of Shameless Self-Congratulation.)
NESS: "Well, looks like I cleared up every last plot thread! Yay! (then the gravity of the situation hits her and she is TRULY stunned) Ho-ly shite. I’ve just written my first semi-coherent fanfic!!!"
(She immediately starts bouncing around the woods like a Superball shot out of a cannon… I think. And as she bounces, she sings a fun little song that, I can assure you, whoever was in charge of the trailer didn’t know was really about drugs and weird sex.)
NESS: “The sky t’was gold! It was rose! I was takin’ sips of it through my nose an’ I wish I could get back there someplace! Back there smilin’ in the pictures you would take! Doin’ Crystalmeth’llliftyouupuntilyoubreak it won’t stop! I won’t come down! I keep stock with a tick- tock rhythm and a bump for the drop! An’ then I bumped up! I took the hitthatIwasgiven an’ I bumped again! An’ then I bumped again an’ said…”
(Now, she’s been bouncing on her head and on her Bottomsies, and swinging around in the trees, and basically doing a lot of things that make the Audience wonder…)
AUDIENCE: “Um, are these characters supposed to be actual stuffed animals? Cause if they’re real, with real bones and internal organs, how the heck can they survive bouncing on their heads off tree branches and stuff?”
NESS: “I believe in the sand beneath my toes, the beach gives a feelin’, an Earthy feelin’! I believe in the faith that grows! And the four right chords can make me cry! When I’m with you I feel like I could die an’ that’d be all right! (pauses, furrows brow) Wait a minute, what? (recovers) But when the plane came in, she said she was crashin’!!! The velvet it ripped in the… AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! OW! DAMN!!!”
(Clear Channel arrives and kicks Nessie’s ass. This is actually beneficial. After Ness slinks, crying and wailing, into this little burrow to recover, she gets a chance to read over the preceding parts of the story.)
NESS: (cries even harder) "Ah, shit!"
(She'd continue in a volley of obscenities, but then something odd happens. A Typical Maine Couple comes snuffling out of the burrow. With their strange, Mullet- formed whisker-like scales on end, they look very agitated.)
NESS: (sketched out) "*snif* What's goin' on?"
MAINERS: "Chirp bark! Grunt."
NESS: "Evil? Here? Fft, right."
MAINERS: (like, "Fine, don't believe us!") "Rrrowl, arp arp arp! Chirk!"
(The Mainers gather up their Pepsi products and their unhatched young in their little brood pouches and shuffle off in their odd, bowlegged manner.)
NESS: "Weird. Eerie..."
AUDIENCE: “How come the dogs and the dragons and whatever X-Man is and all the other animals so far can talk but the protomammals can’t?”
NESS: “Shhhh!!!”
(You see, the forest goes dead silent. A large flock of crows flies the hell away from the middle of the woods in complete, eerie silence. They are followed by troops of monkeys, knots of toads, husks of Snow Bunnies, skeins of geese, sleuths of bears, tribes of sheep and goats, clutters of kittens, and charms of Gold Finches.)
NESS: “O…kay. Something’s up.”
PSYCHO RABBIT: (Breaking off from the main Husk [no, really, I looked it up]) “Evil’s come to Crankyland and it’s goin’ plumb loco! (looks confused) Why the hell am I talking like this?”
NESS; “Duh, ‘Super Rabbit’! (pause) April 3, 1943, directed by Chuck [God] Jones? (longer, more uncomfortable pause) Okay, fine. Let’s just run.”
(All the animals of Crankyland, who are very very kawii and available for $19.99 at your local X-Mart, run, fly, swim, bound, slither, caper, cavort, and polka out of the forest. They do not notice that they are watched by one of Satan’s Evil Spies! He’s a thin, rather effeminate fellow dressed all in tan and white. The only rather intimidating feature he has is a large pair of horny growths on his head with multiple sharp points.)
EVIL SPY: (snorting derisively) “Hofff!!!”
(Now, unlike Mad-Ness, most of the very very cute Crankimon whom are all available to collect and trade with your little friends, don’t have a place to run to, poor little bastards. And, of course, that good-for-running-to place would be the Halls of Justice!)
INT-"MYSTERY MEN" FORUM, THE HALLS OF JUSTICE
(The Halls of Justice are actually a little cabin way the hell out in the forest where the Crankydestined, individually or as a group, can crash while stoned, drunk, comatose, ect. It looks less like a superhero hangout and more like Tyler Durdin’s house in “Fight Club”. When things get *really* insane in there, it resembles a keg party being held on Sesame Street. Ness races into the main hall… if that’s the word for it. There, she meets Whack Chick, who appears to be a little agitated.)
NESS: “Something’s obviously up. What is it? (mutters) I’m going to hate it aren’t I?”
WHACK: “Um, the good news is, you’re a mom!”
(Ness finds a few raging logistical problems there and finally her brain explodes from shock and she dies. Okay, not really; but given that this is the Halloween part and excessive violence is the order of the day, that would have been SO cool.)
NESS: “Oh, yeah. Really cool! Let’s see *your* brain explode!”
WHACK: “Well, anyhow, I’m just going to cryptically indicate that you *might* have an evil clone, and she *might* have escaped from the lab and gone on an insane rampage.”
NESS: (sits there silent but obviously very upset) “Evil? (pause) Insane?”
WHACK: “She’s been running around Crankyland doing Evil; calls herself ‘Darker Mad-Ness’.”
NESS: (groans) “So she’s inherited my complete lack of creativity.”
WHACK: “I guess it isn’t so bad because she’s cloned from you and is only doing the kinds of things *you’d* do if you decided to go around doing Evil. Blaring country music everywhere and wearing socks with sandals and spoiling the ends of movies and the like.”
NESS: (laying on the sarcasm) “And she’s obviously got my stunning brevity what hath made me the scourge of every forum for miles around as well.”
WHACK: “Well, yes and no. See she also happens to have destroyed Conqueror’s Evil Lab of Darkness WITH Conqueror in it. But then that means she’s not only doing Evil to good or neutral people, she’s doing Evil to evil people as well!”
NESS: “Oh, shit! Then she’s DOUBLE Evil! Like a poisoned marshmallow ‘Circus Peanut’ or the Olson Twins!”
WHACK: “Well, on that note, I ought to tell you that all the other Crankydestined and me have to leave you here alone for some bullshit reason…”
WRECK: (from the other room) “We’re testing the Li-Mous- Ine’s Oscillation Overthruster!”
WHACK: “Yeesss… And, uh, the rest of us…”
KEN: (Doing quite well given the whole Cranky Brigade ordeal, mostly because I can’t think of anything more to do with it >_<) “…Getting the Annual Big-Ass Halloween Bash underway. (pause) Woah, the walls are melting again…”
WHACK: (uncomfortable pause) “My… uh, my role in this story’s pretty pointless, isn’t it?”
NESS: “It’s, like, just about your second year here isn’t it?”
WHACK: “Yeah, so?”
NESS: (shrugs sadly) “It’s the Neophyte Crankizens as Second Fiddle or Dead Meat In a Fanfic Phenominon. (pointed stare) Besides, I’m a Third-Year-er, or whatever, and I’m STILL relegated to bit parts and ludicrously gory death scenes. So, welcome to my world.”
(And then the phone rings.)
PHONE: “Deet deet dee-dee deet deet!”
NESS: “’Allo? (little buzzing sound that I guess is meant to indicate whoever’s on the other line talking) Oh, hey, C.F.L.! (More buzzing as the Audience falls into another Plot Hole) Of *course* I read your fic! (More buzzing, and it’s in ‘the Musketeer’ forum at present, for those of you who’ve been under a rock) No, I haven’t read the ending yet. (We can almost hear him answer, ‘What do you MEAN you haven’t read the ending yet?!?’) Well, here’s the thing. Of course I’m going to as soon as I can. Of course I really REALLY want to read it now, but if I read it NOW it’ll be fresh in my mind and what if I subconsciously copy parts of it? Or, worse, what if I lovingly parody parts of it, and you’re like, ‘Wah, she’s making fun of it, that means she didn’t like it’? Or what if…”
INT: WARRIORS OF VIRTUE FORUM, BRIGADE HQ, C.F.L’S ROOM
CFL: (For just a second we’re going to see this from the other POV because it’s funny. He’s at the phone listening to the little buzzing indicating whatever Ness is saying on the other end of the line. Finally she stops and…) “What is it like living in that brain?”
INT: “MYSTERY MEN” FORUM, HALLS OF JUSTICE, HALLWAY
(Here comes the obligatory “Sixth Sense” moment!)
NESS: (crying quietly) “Hell.”
WHACK: “Well, anyway, we better get going. Hope you don’t run into your evil clone or the remaining Munsch Killer!”
(And so the Crankydestined all leave, except for Mad-Ness, who almost immediately starts bugging as she senses Something Bad!)
NESS: “You’re here, aren’t you?”
DARKER NESS (ROBOCLONE): (slips out from the shadows) ~YES. (narrows eyes) MY PARENT!~
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